Pleas and Cries

Entry No. 23

I wanted to make you proud. Be that perfect daughter you always tell me I should be, but I can't. I never seem to be enough. I never seem to be good enough.

I try so hard to make you proud, but it just makes me pathetic. Makes me even less of what you want me to be. I try to be more independant the way you want me to be, but you say I should just do what you say and hurt me.

I'm trying so hard but you throw it all in my face. You spit in my face as you tell me just how good I'm not. How much better I should be. You hit me as you tell me the things I'm doing wrong and how I do nothing right. How you're right cause you're older. Because you're an adult.

So I continue trying and I continue bottling up all my frustration till I can't take it and I hurt myself. It takes years and years for me to do what I've been thinking of because I'm scared you'll hurt me more for it. I'm right. You find out eventually and hurt me more and say how I shouldn't do that.

You hurt me though. So why can't I hurt myself? So I continue and I feel better. After a while, we don't argue, so I don't cut...but then it happens and I try not to hurt myself and I don't.

It happens again and again and again and so I hurt myself. I bottled up all my emotions again and I couldn't take it. I want to die. Nothing matters. I hate life. I hate my life. I hate you.

I tried so hard for what? I tried to impress you but why? I wanted you to care, but for what? You don't have to care because now I don't care. I don't give any fucking fucks. You can hit me. You can yell at me. I'll just end up killing myself so why does anything matter?