the James Dean that lived

3

we drove back on campus. river was a careful driver, not at all reckless, pulled into a parking spot in the block of apartments that eli lived in.
"where is your apartment?" riv asked.
"all the way across campus," i laughed a bit. he nodded.
"we can just stay here."

there was a shadowy figure propped up against the side of the building, and i walked a bit closer to river. he was walking street side, as that was proper etiquette, but switched to be closer to the building, to the figure. he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and his face crinkled with worry.
"hey rio!" the figure shouted.
"yeah?" he said back, somewhat loudly.
"who's the girl?" the other man said with this deep bellowing voice.
"my girl," he said quietly, pushing past the man and bringing me along with him.
"so i can't have her?" the man asked. river sighed.
"oh well, what a shame," the man said, and he returned to his bottle. river and i entered eli's apartment and the previous environment was smashed, a lot of people had left, a lot of people had passed out drunk. riv walked into the kitchen where i assumed eli would be, and i followed. river downed a plastic cup of something and refilled it again.
"geez man slow down," i laughed.
"you want anything?" eli asked. i sat on the counter.
"what kind of soda do you have?" i asked him.

he opened the fridge,
"orange crush and pepsi,"
"i'll take the orange," I said. he handed me the plastic two-liter. i poured it into a cup and then poured whatever alcohol river gave me into it. riv didn't think I was looking at him, but he was looking over eli's shoulder at me.
"come here," I ordered. eli looked back, realizing i wasn't talking to him and stepped away.

and that left only river.

---

and that's where the night ended.

i guess river and i had fallen asleep on the floor near each other and he is one hell of an early bird.

"i was wondering if you wanted to go get breakfast?" he asked shyly. i hadn't seen him shy. i nodded and woke up a bit. eli nodded to us to go on, eli knew something i did not. we left eli's apartment quickly, as it was still dark, and the beings that slept around would soon awake.

then, we were alone in the car. river knew where he was going, but i did not.
"hey rio?" i asked.
"yeah?" he said.
"why can't you play believable happiness?" I asked him.

a first he giggled a bit,
"are you insulting my acting?" he cried out jokingly.
i shook my head.

"it's easier to put your real emotions into a character than to fake a laugh,"
"so you're not happy?" i asked, studying him intently with my elbow on the glove box and my chin resting on my hand. he shook his head.
"no i feel happy lots. like last night, and right now, and when i'm with my family. i just..." he started.
"nobody is happy all the time. that's all."

river ordered oats, made with water. when they got to the table he dumped sugar over them and looked over judgmentally at my plate.
"you're not vegan?" he asked. i froze up. i had done something he did not respect or admire, i did not know how i lost his respect so quickly, but i did.

he was quiet the rest of the meal, avoiding my gaze, avoiding the eggs that laid on my plate.
i avoided them too. i felt so sick to my stomach. but not because i had seen the light.

i felt crushed. i was being crushed under his normally indifferent alter's touch. this was my judgment day and i got the short stick.

after i pushed my plate to the end of the table and he saw i did nothing but peck at my plate, he looked up at me, with these sad but young eyes.
"i'm sorry. that was uncalled for." he sighed.
"no i get that it's something you feel strongly about and i should've remembered before we went out.
he shut his eyes tight and reached out for my hand.

"it's okay."he said, which was left with my silence. the waitress needed to come back, and soon.
"hey, i don't want you to totally hate me. i have some friends in town if you want to meet them?" he said, now excited.
"yeah," i said quietly, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

"great," he said with this adorable face of relief. then, he laid his head on the table like a child.
"are you sleepy?" i asked. he shook his head the best he could against the table top. he still held onto my hand. our waitress came back with a smile on her face and river raced me for the bill.
"i've got it!" he cried out with a giggle.

everything was better with him. the uncomfortable moments prior were gone to him.

and i was okay with that.

river and i drove to an apartment complex downtown, and River led me into his home. tan carpet which was slightly dirty and a nice probably thrifted couch. the empty bare walls of a bachelor.
"nice place," i complimented, sitting down on the couch.
"thanks," he smiled, and then went into the kitchen. i heard him talking, presumably on the phone. river returned a couple moments later and sat on the couch beside me, turning on the television.
"they'll be here in a little bit," he flashed a tired smile. i focused on the television, on the bright colors of the cartoon doug, but when that failed me, i looked at the family photos that scattered the walls and table tops.

he had a lot of siblings, all beautiful like him. all morally sound by sixteen like him. when i looked back at him he was smiling. he got up and grabbed a wide shot photograph.

"this is rain," he said, pointing at one of his sisters.
"don't tell the rest, but she's my favorite." he giggled.
"what they don't know won't hurt them," i smiled.
"this is joaquin, and summer, and liberty," he started, moving his finger across the photo.
"and this is my sister jodean,"
"that's a silly name." i stated.
he nodded a bit.
"we all have silly names, she's just unlucky enough to have been born before my parents became hippies."

our shoulders were touching, and when i turned my face, i could feel him breathing.
he looked at me for a moment, struck with the reality that i was so close, then looked at my lips, and scooted away.

there was a knock on the door, and river stood, placing the photo back on the table, and opened the door.

kurt cobain and krist novoselic stood at river's door. river and kurt hugged, and krist shook his hand. kurt raised his hand in a wave to me, and i waved back.
"this is mathilda," he said, introducing us. krist had a huge goofy grin on his face and wrapped me in his arms.
"shit this must be just like hugging joey ramone," i noted.
kurt nodded.
"he can wrap his arms around you twice," a scratchy but uneven voice laughed a bit.
"anyways, riv, i need to talk," kurt said. he followed river into the kitchen.
"i already talked to kim gordon about this and she didn't know what to say..." i heard kurt start. river said something small and inaudible.
"i think courtney thinks frances loves me more than her." kurt said.
"she's a daddy's girl. all of my siblings preferred one of my parents when they were babies. they grow out of it and hate both of them equally at about 13." river laughed.