the James Dean that lived

5

river fell asleep in my bed. on top of the comforter, his face pressed against the top of my head, his hand in my own. we awoke early the next morning, as i had forgotten to shut the blinds.
"that's a really cool jacket," river said as i dressed myself.
"thanks. was my ex-boyfriend's," i said, laughing a bit.
he let out a blank "oh" and his eyes lowered.
"he died and his mom let me keep it." i said. he nodded a bit, uncomfortable.
"so there's a lot of jesus stuff in your apartment. do you believe?" he asked. i shook my head.
"sarah does. she wasn't like this when i met her, but then she found jesus. kind of annoys me. thinks everything can be solved by praying and begging for mercy." i sighed. he nodded, understanding.
"i grew up believing. loses its magic. sort of like disneyland." he said.
"i mean, i would be pretty excited to go to disneyland." i laughed.
"really?" river asked, pulling on his shoes.
i nodded.
"maybe we could go sometime," he said with his boyish smile.
"i would love that,"

he looked across my walls, scanning the rock stars that littered them.
"remind me to never bring you around eddie vedder," he giggled.

then, he pointed to a photo of me behind the desk.
"who's that? your dad?" he asked, pointing to john kinnell, who cradled me in his arms jokingly.
"no, that's the singer from they might be giants," i said.
"I wish he was my dad."
"who is your dad?"
my father was a fashion designer, who had a family before he came out as gay. now he had a husband and an adopted vietnamese daughter. he no longer cared for me.
"i didn't really grow up with him," i admitted. river looked pained at this aspect.
"i lived with my grandparents," i said.
"where's your mom?" he asked.
oh how i dreaded this question.
i wrung my hands.

he patted my shoulder.
"it's okay,"

my t-shirt had the cover of "wrong" by nomeansno on it, with a lambs head drawn with an eagle beak and a collared shirt my father would design.
"that's one scary fucking t-shirt," river said, pointing to it.
"they're a great band though," i said, laughing.

river scrawled something onto a sticky note and left it on the fridge, his phone number.

the next time i saw him was at a party nearly three months later. los angeles was beginning to get hot in april. he spotted me first, among the black light posters and psychedelic paintings. foul-smelling smoke filled the room.

this was not the place for a yo-yo ma fan.
"hilda!" he laughed pulling me into a warm embrace.
"surprised you remember my name," i said, pushing him off a bit.

"you never called," he said sadly.

fuck, i had forgotten to call. his phone number still was there, stuck to the fridge.
"i'm sorry Riv. i forgot."

"it's fine!" he laughed. he brushed it off.

it was a dry heat, the residents liked to joke. that night in river's bedroom it was about 600 degrees. he opened the window, we kicked off the tattered quilt and rested under the top sheet.
"it's weird being in bed with you again." i told him.
"friends don't make their friends sleep on shitty couches or the floor," he laughed.

yes,
friends.

you can go 3 months without seeing your friends. but not your love interest.

"i'm lucky my girlfriend is cool with me having girl friends so close," he said.

girlfriend.

this was an obvious fact of life for him, he had every girl from age 15 to 30 lined up at his disposal. this was obvious. it was obvious that he would have a girlfriend.

but still, i rolled over and didn't speak to him. refused to meet his gaze.

"girlfriend?" i said quietly.
"yeah! her name is martha," he said cluelessly. i sighed slightly.
"oh,"
"that's really good for you." i added.

river suddenly realized the weight of his words.

"shit," he said quietly, standing from his bed, gaining balance on the plush carpet of his bedroom.

"come with me?" he asked, a fatherly sympathetic look spreading across his face.

i threw the sheet off of me and stood, he, taking the hint, left the room so i could dress myself in my own clothes.

a couple moments later i slipped out.

"you know how sometimes at night the radio gets weird?" i asked him as we put on our shoes and walked out the door, shutting it quietly as to not wake the neighbors.

"no?" riv asked.

"i'll show you," i said. we got in his car and i fiddled with the radio until the station i wanted came in.

"is this seinfeld?" he asked.

"yeah. sometimes at night i guess they broadcast seinfeld,"

"i don't understand why the guy is so in love with the maid," i added.

"she's really attractive." he said.

i was confused for a moment. i guess i heard the british accent and assumed it was a tiny old lady.

he smiled a bit as i popped a They Might Be Giants tape from my purse into the player.

"you probably don't remember, but this is the guy you thought was my dad," i said. we drove out of the parking lot and made our way to the freeway.

it was 1 am at this point, so we were traffic free under the cover of night.

we drove for a good half an hour before river took an exit.

"you take me out here to shoot me?" i asked him with a giggle. he shook his head and kept driving for a good ten minutes.

then, we drove down a dirt road.

we settled in a heap at the side of the road after a moment.

"come on," he said expectantly, opening his door and gesturing me to follow him.

"it's quiet," i said to him, amazed, trailing close behind him. he walked briskly towards a house with a streetlight.

"i don't think i'll wake them,"
"you need help hopping the fence?" he asked. i shook my head. i had been. doing this since i was a child.

i lifted myself over before even river.

"where are we?" i asked him after he had planted his foot in the ground.

"my friend's goat farm." he smiled.

i perked up a bit.

"the babies are over here." he said, gesturing towards another fence, which i carefully hurled myself over again.

he planted his body in the grass and motioned for me to sit beside him. i then noticed, a small black lump.

"oh my god riv!"

their little dead eyes all looked over at me.
a couple came running and nudged against my legs.
"they're like dogs with hooves!" i said happily.

we sat there in silence for awhile, petting the goats, holding them in our laps.

"i liked you too," he said quietly, emerging from the silence.

"but you never called. so i sort of thought you didn't like me. and i looked else where." he sighed.

"im sorry," he added. i nodded.

the sky was beginning to turn pink.

"are you tired?" he asked. i nodded.

we stood and began to walk back to the car. he gave me back my tape and turned on the radio.

"here's the cure with friday i'm in love," the man on the radio with a slight speech impediment said before the first notes.

i leaned my head against the window and put my knees to my chest, and soon, i was asleep.