IN HIS EYES WHERE I WANNA BE.

.

_____________________

so maybe I was the man holding onto the half assed hope that you'd ever look my way to begin with in a light different from that of friendship since the start, the very same man that elicits your name in a way that sounds like a fucking sin and prayer all meddled into one -- the deceitful freak that used to spew out words of flirtation that did not behold a meaning at all because he loved knowing he made other people feel good, and that something so huge meant close as nothing to him all for the means of entertaining the leering concept of perception. maybe I caught myself looking at you for a beat too long, and that my hands, so adamant on being formed into fists inside the pockets of my black, slick windbreaker, were in need of heeding to the figure of your waist, wishing to hold onto you tight enough till my fingers memorized the feel of your your hipbones for the first time. perhaps I became enamored with the way the hue of your eyes would lighten up, and how the mere pigmentation would remind me of morning dew sprinkled over the mossy green of grass during dreaded awakenings as a kid after peering out of my bedroom window to gauge such sight, and how your lips, benevolent truly, would contort just the right amount till your entire face would emit the feeling that you were smiling as if you realized both your birthday and christmas were on the same day, and you just got told you were the only lucky one to ever experience such happening. and just maybe I tried to conquest for more time with you, going out of my way with putting off my routine-like sedated life, too immersed, too caught up in the essence of you to even stop myself from knowing what it was like to be on a ledge without any coherent sense of awareness that just a blow, thanks to a whole abundant ball of emotions denied, was all that was needed to get me to fucking stop with the stringing along and get to my own flying instead of compromising homes and hopes not meant for me. it's what compelled me to evoke how I felt then the first time you ever said 'I love you' after you initially saw me sad and despondent because I meant it when feeling it all at that time. I meant it too as soon as you admitted to being conscious and self alert about the very integrated notion delved into the deep grottos that possibly contaminate your mind that anything and everything could have feelings, and I also meant it when you fessed up to naming your horse a name so ridiculous I'm afraid saying it here will have me far too distracted whilst I enable on with laughing. I mean it now when you fool around with a grin far too farouche it gets my insides bursting and melting simultaneously in a way I wasn't able to peg as possible until I met you. I mean it still every time you go on about your way to say anything that's relevant to nothing just for it to be everything to me. I mean it now when I say I love you and that I don't think I'm able to stop. I want the random embraces, and the storytelling given by the unplanned accumulated spark of getting to know you each and every day that's to go on by. I want to be the one that's to give you animal cracker shakes with the knowledge that you won't disregard it at all because it's what you do. you listen, appraise, and take the smallest of pieces you are given before configuring a puzzle to its entirety for you to gain a conscious mind over every tiny intricacy. you oppose yourself in so many different ways, and I assure you, it's beautiful to watch because you can be so sure of yourself and say things with a sturdy voice enough to captivate an audience that'll be prepossessed almost instantaneously by the snap of your finger before you're to go out of your way and trip over your own two feet, uncaring over where you're to step as your shoulders are kept haunched, and your voice is kept low as you most likely tell a joke you came up with the day before, proudly grinning as you await your worthy applause and expectant laughter. your southern lilt is unkept, and loud, and gleeful and when anyone is to retain any sense of the person you're to be, they'll look at you and see exactly that and feel welcomed, almost like a second home because you're not only soft and fluffy at the edges, you're durable, too, and you're truly not afraid to stand up for what you think is right and defend your opinion in mind, especially when it's to be there for the people you most love and keep dear in the biggest places in your seemingly massive heart. so maybe this is why I find it hard to believe that you've stayed around this long, and why I find tomorrow and today and any other day a dream because truly, in what world does someone like you end up with someone like me? you give me the ecstatic all-consuming feeling of having won the lottery when I'm to be around you by the occasion, and darling, I did mean it when I said that alongside you, every day is a winner day.