So? Am I gay? What a strong way to start out, huh?
As a queer woman, I know how it is going through life, asking that question again, and again. Especially if you aren't entirely not interested in men. Then, does that mean you're straight? But if you're straight, why the interest in women? Is it because you can't choose? Because you're selfish, and want everyone?
Or is it because you are something else? Bisexual? That might not even apply. Maybe all these sexualities you find on a list online, from a quick google search, doesn't apply to you! Does that mean you're nothing? But everywhere, everything is divided in gender, and sexuality.
You might try to go on a dating profile, but all the options on gender and sexuality throws you off, and you end up bailing. Because how can you say what you are looking for, when you don't even know it? Then how can you find out what you are, and what you want, if everything doesn't explain it? Why can't that random gay guy online, just tell you? What do they mean, when they say 'you'll figure it out'?
Then what about gay clubs! That's a thing, right? But no, the closest one is more than 2 hours away in car, and you don't have a driver license. And what if you got drunk? You don't know anyone in that city. Where would you sleep? At some stranger's place? A B&B? But a stranger's place seems scary, and you don't have the money for renting a room for a night. So you bail on that as well.
What's left to do? Give up? But how can you give up? Not knowing anything about yourself, seems... off. Unnatural.
So you start googling. Finding sites with queer people. Start writing with a few people online. Getting advice, but no answers. Because how can anyone tell you what you are, if you don't know it?
You start following multiple gay-FB groups. You start figuring out, that most people don't know right away. Some are even older, and are still figuring everything out. This makes you relax. Makes you think less, feel more.
The more you read, and the more you write with other from the LGBTQ+, the more you learn. About sexualities, about yourself. About other people going through the same, or similar things. You support each other. Its starts being fun, this quest for your sexuality. And at some point, you start forgetting you don't have a word for it. A sticker to put on yourself. Or one of the cool flags, all sexualities seems to get.
And it seems like, as soon as you stop asking, and searching, it appears. The word. The sticker. Maybe even a flag.
Or maybe it never appears. You never get the flag. Or just a damn sticker. You just end up doing you, and whatever (Or whoever) makes you happy. And you feel happy. Relaxed. Like the sky is clear, and rainbows appears. Maybe even unicorns. And glitter. And every other stereotype you can think of.
So you finally, finally, find a dating site. Make a profile. Time has gone by, and you may not be entirely clear on what you want, but you at least know what you need.
The profile is up, the site is buzzing, until some words appear on the screen:
No singles found near you.
Dammit, living on the countryside.
