Three is one too much (Lesbian)

"I believe that some people are made for others, Amber we are made for you"

I couldn't take it any longer. After lunch with my parents and sisters I decided to get drunk. Yes maybe 3 pm was not the ideal time to get drunk, especially on a Sunday in front of my family but I need to feel like there are no problems for once. After my fourth Cuba Libre (I made sure to take much more rum and less coke) I felt the need for fresh air. I'm used to be daily in the nature, Allyson and I go normally for a walk with her dogs. After our small fight from yesterday, I didn't hear a thing from her so I guess I have to go on my own today. I put on my jacket and some rubber boots and exit the front door. 

I walked over to the corner of our farm buildings, passing by the cows happily eating their food. Marching down the dirty muddy path, the melting snow made the whole ground a mess. I walk a few minutes through our meadows, searching my favorite spot. The alcohol makes it a bit difficult to reach my destiny but eventually I reach it. I take my cup from my pocket, sipping some more of my drink, feeling the familiar warmth burning down my throat. I sit down on the fallen tree, admiring the beautiful view. I think, how can my whole life be this fucked up?! The alcohol goes more and more to my mind, I take my phone from my pocket and text Allyson and Chris. Chris is the first to answer "Are you seriously drunk at 5 pm?!" I shortly reply "4pm bruh"

The second ping of my phone is from her. I texted her that one day I will be strong enough to leave and she will live the happiest without me because I'm toxic for her. Her reply to this was "okay"-"Hmm"-"sure" it was typically for her. She hates when I talk about leaving her, being bad or that she is too good for me. She says this words hurt but I can't let it be. This words are hunting me every fucking single day. She is too good for me and I'm a burden on her and I'm so afraid of the day she's going to stop arguing with me, just realizing the truth behind my words and leaving me.

"Loving is dangerously" was my next text that went out right her way. Short after followed "Who do you love?" My mind screamed "you", I already tipped it out but I couldn't send it. I changed the "you" to "I can't tell you but I would give everything to forget about her." If she could just know I mean her by that, I told her a hundred times before that she is perfect to me, the only thing she responds with are her flaws who are also perfect to me. This was the last exchange for a while, I think she's again feed up with me.

I had some more drunk conversations over my phone until I saw him popping up in my contacts. My long time best friend Matt. I hit straight the call button and short after I was connected with his calming and wise voice. "Hello Ambie" Yes I hated his own special nickname for me and I already threaten to slap him for using this name ever again but he just can't take me serious for that matter (And he also lives two hours away at a nice college so he knows that I can't harm him). 

I hear the change in his mood when I let out the words "loving is dangerously". He sighs and says "Should I guess but you know I'm bad in it?" a quick "yes" is followed and he blurs out the name that makes my heart stop "Allyson?" I look in disbelieve trough the trees and growl into the phone "You are kidding me right? How can you be this smart and tell me you are 'bad' in guessing?!" "Amber I don't know if you knew it but to someone like me who is separated from y'all it's easily to see. You both are so close and you are into girls so I just made a combination out of this two things." I huff into the phone, my mind races a thousand miles. "You know that the fact that I love her has to stay between us Matt, I can't lose her and by the way she feels nothing for me just for Chris. It's so unfair I am always standing between them both when they fight and I even help him to fix things with her instead of playing him out. 

I love Chris and I can't fool around with him and worse is that Ally is so in love with him without even realizing it fully. When he texted with an girl back from school, she was so hurt and mad at him because she was in her own insecure mind just a number for him to fuck around with. Instead of using this to get on first place in her life I even helped him because he has no idea how to treat a woman like her. He is a great guy don't get me wrong but he doesn't know how to treat her. She loves nature, art, travelling, music, photography, long walks, talking about philosophy, the worlds and feelings, to be a free, open minded, independent  woman. Matt Allyson is a world changer and Chris is just a simple guy who likes to chill around, play games and get drunk with the squad. It hurts that I can't have her like I wish I could.