Forbidden Thoughts

Part 3

When she grabbed my neck, put her body over mine, slide with her tongue from my collarbones up to the lips, her hair drop on my shoulders, then my feelings were spilling over my entire body constantly changing from burning hot to freezing cold water, starting from the shoulders down to the tip of my toes. It is important to notice that she was always the dominant one in our relationship. No matter how hard I tried to take power with my boyish opinions and as of my independence as a man, but with the power of her scalding tears and eager laughter she made my power seem fake to her but true and only to the people who viewed us from the side. She would slide her right hand up under my T-shirt, pull it off me and through it to the side, I could do nothing, I was out of my fake control, I never had it. I was like a visitor of a carousel, of her, whatever direction it spins I ought to be following it, I can hold tight or let my hands free relying on the sit-belts of the carousel but still she would take a large unnoticed control over it. I knew it all, but for me as long as this girl felt for me with her divine love all these major, as it should be, things seemed insignificant. I was sick and she was the cure. Not the other way around.
During our vacation days she would escape to my house and spend them with me, but mostly nights, she was not the patient one in this. I admired her impatient moves she did towards me, so I got pretty used to not be the one who kisses first or does any stuff of this kind bravely, because I was sure that my fake control and power didn't even touch this part of our relationship. I would lie there waiting for her mute permission, not offended but adored by her. I was as loyal to her as to a wife and my love affair with her was as a love affair with a femme fatale. I was for her with my whole self. And I have never ceased to love her.
But Moora, the friend she told me about one week before her arrival, she was... a massive hole in our favorable relationship. Moora was not a mistake nor a right person. She was a great importance, a lesson. Moora brought a change to us, but I still know that even though after her leaving Alexis was happy again, Moora was hurt.
Moora was my friend then, after Alexis made us meet, for the reason of Alexis hanging out with the girl almost everyday during her stay in here, and me being Alexis's boyfriend. Everybody knows that there's no right thing to do in such a contingency. So I just started partly hanging out with Moora. Then there were these same humor jokes, one minute talks about Alexis and not only, as friends. The mystery of us becoming so close in such a short time was never discovered by me, but not by Alexis. She knew, she said, I ought to be in a love affair with the girl. Every time she mentioned the absurd idea she had I just wanted to strangle her in anger. This was insulting my feelings towards Alexis, was calling them fake and simulated, tormenting them. I was mad and this madness was turning me inside out so much I did not notice how Alexis found another way to solve the situation. After twice trying to talk to me unsuccessfully she went up to Moora herself. Oh.. this was wrong for Moora not to take her words seriously at first. Very wrong it was for Moora to pretend we don't always talk but sometimes, as an accident talk. And the worst was the fact Alexis took it as me and Moora having secret dates at times. She crushed our friendship in pieces few days before Moora's departure with threatening talk to Moora, Moora so innocent and nice. Alexis loved me, maybe... She was so toxic, it brought me pain from loving her the way she was.
The devil eyes of Alexis staring at me as we drove in a fast car back to my place after last meet with Moora at the airport were telling me "You were wrong, liar. I am right, and hurt". She was silently telling me with her eyes that I have to feel guilty, I have to take the blame on me, I made the princess cry. Torment anew and endlessly.