"I have to go for a walk," Spencer says, after a few hours of being locked in his room. Ryan is resting against the couch, his arms crossed loosely over his chest and his eyes dry. Spencer's look red and swollen, his hands trembling a little by his side. They two are in sharp contrast with one another, their composures utterly different, and Ryan dimly wonders when he became the stable one. Spencer swallows, hard, and fiddles with the cuff of his jacket. "I ... I need to clear my head."
"Okay," Ryan says, and he sniffs. His nose is a bit blocked after the lines he's been snorting the past couple of days but at least the high and the sting have gone. Spencer looks reluctant to leave, unsaid words hanging in the air and seemingly stifling him, and Ryan clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. He could offer some useless words of comfort and tell him that things will be okay. He could hug his best friend and tell him that they're in this together. He could break down and cry and bring out Spencer's paternal nature, cancelling out the man's sorrow. But he doesn't. He doesn't do anything kind, anything that might actually make the 'best friend' title he owns justified. "How long d-do you think you'll be?"
"Oh, um." Spencer shrugs, the muscles of his back rolling underneath his duffel coat. "I don't know. I just think the fresh air will do me good."
"Okay," Ryan repeats, and uncrosses his arms. His fingers twitch at his sides. As he remembers what is about to happen, what he's about to do, he realises that this might be the last time he ever sees Spencer Smith, his best friend for so long. Spencer has paid for Ryan to live, to eat, to have a roof over his head, and Ryan gives nothing back. Ryan has been a terrible best friend and he doesn't want to be a burden any longer.
As Ryan's eyes rake Spencer, almost hungrily, they savour all of the things he loves and cherishes in his best friend. The kind face with it's stern potential, those bright blue eyes, his stance with one hip cocked out to the side. Stupidly, tears threaten to rise in his eyes, and he blinks them impatiently away. Suspicion is lurking amongst all the hurt in Spencer's eyes now, owing to Ryan staring at him silently. Ryan gives a small, forced laugh. "S-Sorry. I was s-spacing out."
"It's okay," Spencer dismisses, in a voice that plainly says he doesn't believe him. "I won't be long. Call me if you need me, okay?"
Ryan nods, and Spencer turns to leave the kitchen. Without quite meaning to, Ryan grabs the man's arm and pulls him suddenly close. Spencer melts into the embrace as though he's needed it as much as Ryan has, and his arms wrap firmly around Ryan's skinny frame. Ryan closes his eyes tightly, chin resting upon Spencer's shoulder, and he lets out a long, shaky breath. Fuck. He's about to cause this man so, so much pain and stress and guilt ... but he can't help it. His mind is made up and his duty to die is startingly clear. It will be good for Spencer in the long run, it will it will it will.
"It'll be okay, won't it?" Spencer asks, in a quivering voice, and Ryan lets out a choked sob. Fuck. "We'll, we'll get over them and we won't have to see them again and things, things will be okay, won't they?"
"Yeah," Ryan mutters, lies, through gritted teeth. He's doing all he can to keep the tears from escaping and soaking Spencer's shoulder. "Just g-give it time."
Spencer makes a noise of agreement and gives Ryan one last squeeze. Ryan closes his eyes again and squeezes back. He breathes in Spencer's scent and cherishes his warmth and tries to make it all last as long as possible. He's got to let Spencer go, he's got to let Spencer live a life without the burden of a suicidal best friend. After what feels like a painful eternity, Spencer releases him and steps back. He looks a tiny bit more composed now, with flushed cheeks and glittering eyes.
"Thanks, Ryan," he says, with a hopeless little laugh that makes Ryan's stomach clench. "I'll see you soon."
Then, he walks out of the room and he's already heading for the front door when Ryan whispers, "No, you won't."
