Not Alone (Harry Styles mpreg story) on Hiatus

Hello Old Friend

(months later: 8th of July, Pittsburgh)

A/N: Trigger warning: slight mentions of rape (just a hint), suicide and depression. Don´t read if you are triggered easily.

It happened during “Teenage Dirtbag”. Harry´s stomach started twisting and turning, his vision became blurry, he started sweating and a cold shiver ran down his spine. He barely made it through the song and as soon as the last cord was played he stormed off the stage. Luckily Paul was backstage, already waiting with a bucket and a bottle of water. While Harry puked his guts out the boys continued the show with “Rock Me”, always sneaking little, worried glances backstage to see if Harry was alright. They were relieved when Harry returned for “She´s Not Afraid”. The show went on and Harry acted as if nothing had happened, but the other boys already agreed to talk to him right after the show if he wanted to or not. Harry had been acting quite weird this whole day and every time someone addressed his strange behaviour he just faked a smiled a said: “I´m fine! Really! Just a bit off. Nothing to worry.” and then he left the room. Not one single person believed Harry´s lies though. After three years of spending almost every waking hour together the boys could tell, that something was definitely wrong or at least bothering Harry. But that was Harry. He never complained about anything. Never did he say a bad word about another person. He always dealt with these kind of things on his own. He never wanted to be a burden for anybody.

Lately, though, Harry has been feeling like a burden to everyone, especially the boys. After they found out about his past they have been very protective of their youngest band member. Maybe Liam, Zayn, Niall and Louis didn´t plan on acting different towards Harry, but they did. This bothered Harry quite a lot. He hated being babied and treated like he would break if you just breathe wrong in his direction. He knew the boys only wanted to protect him and help him, and that’s what they did, but sometimes it was just too much. All Harry ever wanted was to forget, but with their behaviour the boys constantly reminded him that Harry was not normal. That something was wrong with him and that someone needed to look after him. He hated that feeling. But instead of dealing with his feelings by talking to the boys about them Harry did what he always did, he retreated himself, shut everyone off and wallowed in his self-pity and dark thoughts. That was what he was doing when IT happened. A knock on his hotel room door is the last thing Harry remembers clearly. The rest of that night is just a big mess of feelings and blurry pictures in his head. But still, Harry knows exactly what had happened. He knows these feelings of pain, fear, hate and disgust. His four long lost friends. But they are finally back. Plagueing his every waking hour and making his guts turn and even making him puke in the middle of a show. He hated them and he hated himself.

Harry let IT happen again. He was weak and pathetic. An embarrassing excuse for a human being. He should have ended it all those years ago. But now he was sitting in bus and pretending to have caught a stupid stomach bug or something. Again he was a burden to his brothers. Another reason to hate himself even more.

Harry was tired. He was sooooooo tired. All he wanted to do was sleep and never wake up again, but he just couldn´t. Whenever he closed his eyes he saw these demon black eyes staring at him. He felt those cold hands touching him. Harry knew he was losing himself again in those dark thoughts and memories. He didn´t want it, but he couldn´t help it. He could do only one thing: He kept the newest events hidden. No one will ever know and Harry will continue his life as if nothing ever happened. He won´t be a burden to anyone anymore. Nothing happened! became his new mantra. He used it every night before he went to bed and every morning to get through the days. He used it so often that his mind became numb and soon Harry didn´t think or feel anything anymore. After all this years he had lost the battle. He was finally dead inside.

Thank god Harry was a great actor. Really, he deserved an Oscar for his amazing performance as the carefree, cheeky popstar. The boys of course weren´t fooled so easily. The noticed something was off, but probably thought it was the stress of the tour, because they never said anything to Harry. They only addressed it one time, straight after the show in Pittsburgh. Harry was able to convince them it was just the stomach bug. They left him alone after that. In a way Harry was proud of himself. Finally he had found something he was good at. He made everyone believe he was happy and everything was alright, when in reality he was dead inside and the darkness of his broken soul had finally swallowed him whole. Sometimes he wished people would notice. Sometimes, late at night he screamed into the cushions of his hotel bed. He screamed and cried, but no one heard him. Harry thought he was alone. Well he wasn´t. And he was going to find out soon.

The 17Th of October will be a day Harry will never forget again.

A/N: Sorry I kept you waiting for so long and then all you get is this crappy filler chapter.

The next chapter will be about the events of the 17th of October. During their show in Melbourne Harry reportedly left the stage a couple of times to throw up. I try to incorporate this into the next chapter. Harry will have to go to the doctors and … (little cliffy here. :-p)

I don´t know when I will be posting the next chapter. I have to find a new flat within the next weeks and have to move out of my current flat until the end of February. So there is a bit of stress right now.

I will try my best though. Please bear with me.

Feedback is always appreciated.

C U soon.

I.

 

PS.: Sorry for the shitty trigger warning. I don´t think it was that dark or triggering, but still … safety first.