Devastated. Heartbroken and riddled with deep remorse.
The only way for him to cope with the guilt, is to reply.
Matty writes back to Natalie. But now knows he'll never get a response from her.
.... He was simply, too late.
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You were so loved Nat, adored by everyone who ever had the grace of ever meeting you. Do you realise that? You've left so many broken hearts behind.
Did you ever give that a thought before taking your own life? Did you spare a thought for how everyone else will struggle with their day to day lives without you here?
You're not that type of person, Natalie. You're not selfish like that. So why did you do it? (More to the point, why am I constantly writing, asking this fucking question, knowing I'll never get an answer to it?) Fuck!
The church was packed out, people were having to stand at the back as all the seats were taken.... so I heard, anyway.
I tried my best to get in. I even got there earlier than everyone else, waiting outside in the rain. I woke up, fearing I'd missed it all. Paranoid I'd slept through my alarm or something... You know how I get.
I don't know how long I'd been stood out in the cold, couple of hours maybe? I don't know. Time seems to just... stand still these days. I was drenched by the time everyone arrived. Well, not everyone. The boys wanted to come, of course they did. And I didn't want to rob them of their farewell, but I had to do this alone. They didn't know you on a level I did. They never had what I did with you. Do you understand that?
I don't know if they do. They haven't yet spoken to me.
The hearse pulled up. And once again, I was left struggling to breathe. Desperately telling myself it wasn't actually you in there. I was still pleading for someone to come over to me and tell me this was some fucked up, twisted joke being played on me. Or that someone had made a huge mistake along the way and it was someone else. Some other Natalie.
But it'll never happen, there was only ever one of you, wasn't there? And I still don't know how I'm going to cope with you not being here.
Everyone vacated from their cars. Your dad being the first. He was broken, doing the usual of making sure everyone else was doing okay first and putting on a brave face in front of everyone else, but he was broken.
And your mum? I literally have no words, I've never seen her look so... beat down. Warn out. Lifeless. It took ten minutes, and three of them to actually persuade her to get out of the car. I wanted to go over at one point, to help. But I knew that would be last thing they'd want me doing.
Your mums eyes met mine... I knew there and then just how much she hated me. I could see it. I could feel it radiating from her before she rushed over to me frantically.
I was told to leave, there and then. That I had no right in being there, according to everyone else, this was my fault. And I couldn't work out how, we'd not spoken in so long, so how could I be to blame?
It just didn't click in my head.... That's until the letters, your letters, were thrown in my face, before hitting the wet pavement at my feet. I scrambled to rescue them, unsure at that point what they were. But your hand writing quickly stood out to me. Each page had been folded in multiple places and creased as though they'd been opened and folded over and over. Were you constantly reading them? Or was it your mum and dad? I don't know which is worse.
"She needed you. You promised her!" Your mums voice screeched with pure disgust before your dad guided her inside, to get her away from me. Still thinking I was some monster.
"I suggest you leave" Your dad growled with a deathly glare. Keeping a tight hold of your fragile mum.
"I- You can't force me to go-" I told him, trying to stand my ground. They were going to take away the only chance I was going to get of saying goodbye to you.
"Now!" He spat, suddenly. His temper quickly slipping with me.
Did I deserve that? If the letters were anything to go by, if you were here to tell me yourself, then probably - yes. I fully deserved it and more. I was here, alone, you being the only person I needed at that moment in time. Instantly being made to feel how you had all that time. And I never even realised that. How did that not register in my head at all? Not for a second!
So that was that.
But I was going to get my goodbye, whatever it took. No one could take that away from me after you had taken yourself from me. I wasn't allowed in there. But I still watched you go.
How they lowered you into the soil below us. How your body disappeared from this life time. Knowing that I'd never get to see your face again. Hear your laughter. Have your touch against me again.... How am I meant to cope with that? COME BACK AND FUCKING TELL ME THAT, NAT!!!
My heart sank with you, you've taken it with you, where ever you are now. It always was and always will be yours.
I hate to think you're now below us. Down there, alone. Your body being cold....
(Isn't it weird, how hell is referred to as being below us, fire also, but that's only really the two ways to discard of someone when they go these days? - Just another of my weird metaphors.) -- Sorry.
But you're an angel now. You've grown your wings, so just do one thing... And fly high!
