Devastated. Heartbroken and riddled with deep remorse.
The only way for him to cope with the guilt, is to reply.
Matty writes back to Natalie. But now knows he'll never get a response from her.
.... He was simply, too late.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Nat,
I don't know what to do Natalie. What am I supposed to do now?
I keep reading your letters, over and over again. Each time I read them, new questions surface and then the nagging begins, needing them answered. I'd do just about anything to have you back, just for a few minutes to give you the answers you rightly deserved.
But that's never going to happen. And I still can't force myself to believe or admit that. Because when I do, that's it. That's when the closure will submerge, when I'll be forced and expected to move on. And I can't. I WON'T!
Now I just have this regret. This remorse that I'll have to live with for the rest of my days, that I fully deserve. Just sitting in the pit of my stomach, eating away at me, day by day. I deserve to suffer. I deserve the guilt. The pain. I want it.
You were there, all along, all that time, I could have seen you when I wanted. Where I wanted. And now, now I want that, more than ever, more than anything... It's the only thing I can't have. And I'll never be able to again.
I have no excuse for leaving you. I wish I could write down here that I had a solid, valid reason for walking away from you, for not getting in contact. I just don't. And that's not good enough. I wasn't.
You deserved so much more. You had the chance to find so much better. I thought that's what you would have done? In time, I thought you'd have forgotten about me. It's what I expected. I was always had that hope in the back of my mind.
Because you were always there, Nat... Always in my thoughts. I know it doesn't seem it. And I know that's what everyone thinks, but I hope you knew. Deep down inside, somewhere, I know you knew you were always there.
I feel like I'm going mad without you. I've been debating whether to actually put pen to paper and reply back, because it's evidently pointless. You'll never read them, you'll never know how I felt and what I had to say back in return. But it's the only thing I can think of doing, to give me that little bit of composure.
I don't want closure. I just want to learn how to cope with you being gone.
No one knows what happens after death, no one knows if there is after life or if spirits do exist. Maybe there's some way you could read these... Your spirit could be lingering around me right now... and if that's so, please give me a sign. Push something over. Touch me. Slam a door shut.... Do something.
I think it gives me slight peace of mind, wondering and clinging onto a little hope that you're around me from time to time.
So I'll write back, to each one. And I'll keep telling myself that you can see these, that you can read what I should have told you.
I love you, Natalie. I always have and I always will. In this life and maybe the next....
