The Thoughts Of The Voices

22: Overdose

Before Tamsin, there was Alice. Alice was a little different from all the girls I've ever met, don't get me wrong though, being a little different never hurt anyone. I mean how else did I win my ex over *wink*.

But in all honesty, I did actually fall in love with her. Online too. Your probably thinking I'm a pendeja to fall in love online because the person can be a catfish, but trust me, she was far from that. She was amazing and so cute.

She always knew what to say to make my heart warm up with fireworks. Problem was, she had a girlfriend (and probably still does). I knew she had one but I couldn't help and I ended up getting trapped in a inescapable hell. Well, it wasn't all hell though, she began to fall for me too.

I still remember our awkward conversation after we told each other we liked one another. I think it went a little like this:

Me:Soooo...

Alice:Yeah...

Me:You have a girlfriend

Alice:I know, but I still have feelings for you. It's honestly all confusing

Me:I know.

That's all I really remember since we use to text a lot. Everyday we would always tell each other that we loved one another. I always did hope she actually meant what she said, because I sure did. On one occasion she told me she would breakup with her girlfriend to be with me.

I obviously told her no because I didn't want to be the cause of another breakup. Me? The cause of another breakup? Yup. It was selfish of me, but some people have to remember I'm still human, I make mistakes. Besides I've been selfless enough to earn me enough selfishness. Yeah, that made no sense what so ever.

Just recently a few days ago, she texted me and we started chatting a little until she texted ‘I missed you.’ That single line broke me again, and I hated her for that. I hate her for breaking my heart and making me believe that she actually wanted me. I wanted her, I wanted Alice so badly, but I'm positive I was just a joke to her, and in my mind I was always begging she'd give me her heart, all of it, not just leftovers and little crumbs.

Now? Look at me, more broken than ever. I'm choking on my own tears, it's gotten really hard to breathe and listen to my friends who say it isn't my fault. But it is my fault. It always has been my fault, from the very beginning, I should've just stayed away, but I think fate had different things in store for me.

I wonder if you feel the kind of pain that rips your insides out. That's something I know all about, shocking ain't it? Is it because I can't be him, make your mistakes and make me hurt? I can't fix you. It just grinds my gears to know a human can loose all their self control for something. I'm mad at myself for loosing my cool, I promised myself I wouldn't do it no more, and here I am, so stupid and dumb to believe my mind's lies.

This is what happens when you leave to somebody else, if you want it done right, you should just do it yourself. You might make everyone happy but your dead inside just like me. We have more in common than you'd be calm with. We both know what we can do, but the difference is that I know how to hurt a person just right, to leave them battered and broken.

I hate Alice, yet I love her because she's my friend, what should I do? Whatever, I'm done explaining myself for all the mistakes I've done.