evocation → minizerk

o n e

As Simon continued to mourn at his living room window, he heard the door clicking, it was being unlocked. He had yearned for another visitor in his house but the person who had turned up clearly wasn't a visitor if he had a key to his house. The blonde didn't move a muscle he didn't even blink, his eyes that were filled with sorrow were glued to anything at all on the other side of the glass. He hadn't moved, he ate there, he slept there, he only ever left his safe place to use the toilet or get something from the fridge, which seemed to almost be empty as he hadn't been shopping. "Baby?" Josh appeared in the living room doorway, seeing just how inconsolable and vulnerable he had become. Josh hadn't slept in his own home for the months of desolation and sorrow. In the day, he was drinking. In the evening, he was drinking. In the night, he visited a different friends house every single night. After the pair returned home from the incident, the first thing the blonde did was collapse into tears on the cushioned window sill and that's when Josh left. It was accurate to say that the blonde was consistently in the same place in his state of depression.

Simon sadly glanced back at him with faded blue eyes and the dark-haired boy knew that he was about to crumple into a spiral of unwanted overpowering emotion again. So, he hurriedly threw his dirty brown coat on the side of the expensive grey sofa and purposely rushed over to pull him into a warm loving and meaningful hug. "J-Josh!" Simon's body rattled with sobs, shaking a frightening amount as he struggled to maintain control over his own breath. "I can't do this anymore!" he wailed, anyone could see that he wasn't hiding the truth, he was speaking solemnly. "But baby, you have to carry on. People look up to you and think how strong you are. People look up to us and think how strong we are. Becuase the worst has happened to us. They can't even imagine the pain we are feeling right now, or the pain we will feel for the rest of our lives. Si, we aren't the only people this has happened to. Others have managed to pick themselves up after this sort of occurrence and it will take time - but we will get over this together."

"I-I can't Josh! Every single time I look at this dull, soulless room the reoccurring memories of four whole years come flooding back like a waterfall. They attack me at any time because they know that I am vulnerable and will break at a single sense of recognition of the past. There are voices in my head screaming at me saying that I could have prevented this. It's all I fucking hear. You could have stopped this, you could have saved yourself the distress! That is all they say. I'm walking on a rope, that is endless. My feet are blistered and burning from walking on it and my heart is bruised and aching from forcing myself to continue. It is a never-ending cycle of pain. That will only end when I'm when I can't feel it anymore...It will only end when I'm dead." it was pure distress. Josh didn't have a clue of what to do, he didn't want his boyfriend to end up killing himself nor did he want him to live a miserable mournful life. "I'm just so done, Josh."

But Josh wasn't going to admit defeat without attempting to make an effort. "Listen to me," he loosened his grip on Simon's thin body and moved to sit opposite him on the window ledge. With his sudden burst of determination, he cupped Simon's wet yet drained cheeks and guided his blue eyes into his own. Passionately kissing his lips before sweetly wiping away his salty tears as they fell with both his thumbs. "The Simon that I knew wouldn't give up to the impossible, he would have tried so hard to keep everyone happy at once and everyone loves and appreciates you for that! So let me return the favour, for the sake of myself and everyone else, and make your life happy. If you're gone then you've ruined all the hard work that you put in to make us happy - because you - you have upset everyone. If you're gone then you are passing on these feelings of emotion that you are feeling right now - to everyone. Do you really want them to have to mourn you? Do you really want them to have to suffer the way you are right now? Because I know that the Simon that I knew wouldn't have wanted that. What about you?"

His speech had hit home. However, Simon didn't know how he'd manage to conquer this significant amount of agonising suffering. "How, Josh?" He sobbed simply, trying his hardest calm himself down slightly. "I don't know yet Simon. But we'll take things slowly, a step at a time until eventually, we're comfortable to move on in our lives." Josh announced gently pulling the younger boy into his lap ensuring to rest his head on his chest for comfort. "I'm not sure if that will work," Simon muttered very small and quiet, doubting himself which made Josh grow slightly frustrated at his lack of hope. "But why Si-" "Because our fucking son is dead Josh!"