Tortured Mind

3

3:45 am

Why did I go to bed so early?  Now I'm never going back to sleep.

He sighed and rolled onto his back, looking up at the ceiling.

"Gosh dang it," he muttered in annoyance.  He was so tired yet his mind was like "You wanted to sleep?  Hold up...let's go over every little thing you've ever done wrong in your eleven years of existence."

And boy did he hate that.

Maybe you shouldn't have been so annoying at dinner last night.  That would have helped.  Instead you gotta be a selfish prick.  You just annoy everyone around.

He sighed.  All he wanted was to go to sleep and never wake up.  That would make everything easier for everyone else.

Now you're getting it.

"Shut up," Tyler whispered to no one in particular.  "Please just leave me alone."

Now why would I want to do that?  You know you need me, Tyler.  You know I'm right.

The next thing Tyler  knew, he was out of bed and heading to the bathroom.  If this was the only way to quiet the voice, then so be it.

That's right.  Let it happen.

He opened the cabinet and took different bottles of pills and bandages and crap out before he found what he was looking for.

The light reflected off the silver object his mother would warn him as a little kid to stay away from.  "Don't want to hurt yourself," she would say.

Sorry mom.  No can do.

He sat on the side of the bathtub, his hands shaking.  He had never done this before.  He had never even thought about doing this before.  He never needed to.

But now.  Now he did.

He placed the razor right below his elbow on the inside of his, hesitant.

What are you waiting for?!  Just do it!  Don't be such a wuss.

And so he did.

There was pain, and then there was red.  The red started coming out of his arm slowly, as he didn't go very deep.  He watched the blood come up through the break in his skin for a few seconds before reaching for some toilet paper and putting pressure on the wound.

Now was that so hard?

Seven minutes later, Tyler emerged the bathroom, toilet paper thrown away, razor put away, and he headed back to his room.  He walked in quietly so he wouldn't wake his younger brother and climbed into bed.  Not even five minutes later, Tyler had fallen asleep, no voice keeping him up.

And he slept the rest of the night.

🍌🍌🍌

The alarm startled the boy out of his sleep.  He groaned, rolling over to turn off his alarm, and went to his closet to find a light jacket.  He hoped that since the temperature was starting to drop that no one would ask any questions.  If he could have anything in the world, that's all he wanted at the moment.

The smell of breakfast being made downstairs made Tyler's mouth pull into a small smile, as his stomach was grumbling loud enough for the neighbors to hear, he was sure.

"Goodmorning, Ty," his father greeted quietly as Tyler entered the dining room.

"Morning," he whispered back.

"I'm making eggs and sausage, if you want any," his father offered.  Tyler nodding in response.

There was a small silence hanging in the air between the two.  Neither wanted to initiate conversation, but, at the same time, both had so mucb they wanted to say to each other.  It just so happened that neither of the two had the balls to say something.  Until Chris spoke up after a long few minutes.

"You alright?"

His son didn't reply immediately.  Instead, the boy sat there, trying to figure out what he should say.  Should he tell his father, the person he trusted more than anyone else on the planet?  Should he lie?  He was sure his dad wouldn't hate him for being honest.

Yes he would.  You're just being an attention whore, Tyler.  Just tell him you're fine.

"Yeah," he lied.  "I'm fine.  Just tired."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Silence fell between the two again.

Five minutes later, Chris set a plate of food in front of Tyler who immediately dug in.  If there was anything he was sure he'd never give up, it would be food.  Food was just too amazing.  Food was there when no one else was home.  Especially when he ransacked the fridge before his brother got home.

"Thanks, dad."

"No problem, dude."

"Did you just," Tyler sighed in sarcastic disappointment.  "Did you seriously say that?"

Chris, who caught onto his son's sarcasm, replied with, "Uh huh and there's nothing you can do about it."

Both of the men broke out smiles in the early morning as the younger children made there way downstairs, followed by their mother.  At the sight of her, Tyler shifted uncomfortably in his seat, avoiding eye contact with her.

Chris put food on plates for the rest of the family, taking a seat next to his eldest child, a look of concern flashing across his face.  He could tell something was wrong, and he wanted to ask about it, but he was sure Tyler wouldn't answer or would just dodge the question.  So, he stayed silent and the family ate the breakfast quietly.

"So, Kelly.  You looking for a new job yet"

The two parents stared at each other briefly before Kelly replied with a nod.

"Nothing seems fit for me though."

Chris nodded with response and not too long after that, the kids cleaned off their plates and got ready for school.

Tyler begrudgingly gave his mother a hug, both of them stiff in the embrace of each other and they parted, heading to the bus stop.