Imperfectly Perfect

{22} My Future Affects You

(John's pov)
I guess you could say I'm doing fine without Katy, not seeing her everyday in my life. It's actually been very clean and unwinding for me for the past one month. The day after she left me, I thought I'd start drinking my problems away, or do anything that would harm myself. But nope. I haven't done any of those things...........yet. Normally after a break up I would text her a million times, saying please come back, or: I've made a big mistake. It's one month later, and haven't I texted her saying that. But at some points I would have to strain myself from texting her, just so I wouldn't get into my deep state depression again. Anywhere I went I had a careless free mind, which I happily loved having. Her smiles, her eyes, the way her nose would crinkle, the places we went, the things we did together. None of that occurred to me as I went on with my life. Those little distractions didn't break me down. But at the same time I didn't want to block her out of my life completely. No way. To me she's just a friend now, and nothing but that. On Instagram or Twitter, once and awhile I would read her tweets or captions just to see how she was doing. I was already thinking about if she'd forgotten me. I didn't mind, nor did I care. I wasn't the one who was supposed to protect her anymore.

Ya life's been great without her.............

What. The. Fuck. You thought I was telling the truth? Ha. Oh my gosh. All of that I just said was one hundred percent fake. Of course I was miserable without her, missing her so much it hurt. Plus everywhere I went, her smiles, her eyes, the way she would crinkle her nose, the places we went, the things we did together did bother the fuck out of me. Those precious memories only seemed to make me wanna die. Every night was hell since I didn't have her sleeping next to me. It was absolute torture. And of course I would text her, and text her. But no text messages came back from her. Eventually I'd gave up on texting her, since she'd never replied. On her post, she looked like she was having fun, and not giving a fuck about me. But that was just a post. A smile can tell a lot you know? For Katy, it was so easy to see that she was faking the happiness, and was only feeling the despair and sadness inside of her. I had the same problem, but the only difference was that I didn't even bother faking anything. I just letted my sadness and depression walk over me. By this point, I didn't care who saw me like this. It's not like I'm gunna get out of this shit, so why bother?

I could tell that I wasn't myself anymore. Why this past month I've been sitting alone in my house with a bottle of whiskey in my hand, and chugging down half of the bottle. The only time I got up was to go to the bathroom or get another bottle. I gave up on eating, socializing, my hygiene. Everything. My body was sagging, getting out of shape. I no longer had my natural glowing skin anymore. It was replaced by a very pale color. I practically looked like a girl now since my hair grew longer. Each day I would waste myself, slowly fading away, hoping that any day now I would die. Not to mention, my family, fans, friends, and crew always kept texting me, calling for me. But I'd never answer. I shut them out to. You can clearly see how bad Katy affects me. You can see how when she's not here right besides me everyday, I completely lose it. You can see that without her I'm lost like a little puppy. She's the light that shines through all the dark places inside of me. She's the medicine that cures me like in a second. It's so fucking strange that in these past couple of months I'd been with Katy, she had this big impact on me, unlike the other girls I've dated. She's the one that shine the brightest out of all of them. She had that something that kept me begging for it. I know exactly what it was. It's that deep unconditional love she had, that I loved the most. It was so pure and raw, I enjoyed every aspect of it. But does it look like I'm ever gunna get her back? No sir. She's out of my reach now.

--------------

(Katy's pov)
"Come on Shannon. Do I really have to?" I whined to my best friend. I've been whining for the past hour. She rudely came in my room saying I needed to get out of the house, when I didn't want to. I've done nothing productive ever since me and John broke up. Yes I was in depression, but it wasn't that bad as it was back in 2012. Right now I guess you could say that if you looked at me, you would never want to look at me again. I looked so broken, in fact I was broken. You could easily tell. The only person who knows about this was my best friend Shannon. Not even my sister Angela knows. Now I really regret telling Shannon what happened, because now she would come to my house everyday, just to check in. Today she was trying to get me to go to the museum. I just didn't feel like going out anywhere. Without John, I feel like my life has no purpose. But then I again I get reminded by my wonderful sweet KatyCats, which I love and adore them. It was kinda stupid saying that without John, I have no purpose because it never occurred to me that a man could affect me so much that I couldn't go on with my life. It was all my fault. I don't even know what made me say that shitty sentence to John, when really, all we really wanted was a second chance. If it wasn't for my stupid big mouth, maybe I wouldn't be here all alone, feeling so empty on the inside. I could've been in John's arms right now, with my head softly placed on his warm chest. He would be whispering sweet-nothings in my ear, saying all the right words that I wanted to hear from him. But no. Everything I do I fuck up so badly. I couldn't even keep a steady healthy relationship. I've failed so many times to balance out my relationships. Maybe it's a sign that I haven't known yet. Probably I'm just not worth being in a relationship, or being loved. I'm damaged goods. I was really trying to stay away from the razors, and overdosing myself with random pills. But the thought of doing that sounded really thrilling to me. I wanted to end my life, but something was stopping me from doing that. It was strange. I looked at Shannon, and she looked at me. I was about to give her the face that I know she didn't like. But it had to be done. The world doesn't need or want me, I and nothing or nobody can stop me.

"Shannon get out now." I said shaky trying to cover up my emotions in a bottle. I saw her stood there all proud with dusty eyes.

"No. I am no-

"Shannon if you don't leave, I am going to kill myself....."

------------
I'm sorry but your just gunna have to wait for the next update (;

Vote and comment ❤