She cares she actually cares about me. It's hard for me to talk it out but I'm glad that at least I got it all out I'm crying at the message she sent me and I don't know if it's true or not but I'm happy knowing that I at least got to say what I wanted to say to her I just need one more person to talk to. If she even listens but I doubt it because, just looking at the way she looks at me makes me hurt. What I see in her eyes are hate pure hate and I hate it is hate the way she looks at me. It looks like if she despises that I live and I hate it. Seeing how she looks at me makes me want to hurt myself. I promised I'd stop but I don't know anymore I'm scared as to what could happen next. It makes me scared just to even go to class with her. The way she stares at me makes me want to regret living, to regret meeting her, to regret seeing her. It makes me scared. I live in a scary place where nothing ever goes right, where I stopped being happy after 2k15 I know I should get over it but I can't I just can't it's too hard for me too do that. I hate how life has been to me since the start of middle school. I thought I could trust my so called "friends" but turns out they are a bunch of two faced bitches, it now gives me trust issues to trust many with my past since in the end they just turn their back on me when I most need them. Like I need them now but I can't seem to ever find a true best friend maybe I should give up. Maybe I should just let it be, maybe... maybe I should just leave. Maybe I should just forget everything, and everyone in my life or who have been in my life. I hate myself for being this weak I promised myself to be strong but seem like I can't. It kills me that I can't be strong, it kills me that I can't have the life I want, it kills me that many don't belives in me. What I hate the most that after someone reads this they are going to start to pity me, I hate that they do that you barely even know me or my past and are already pitying me. I hate that I just hate it as much as I hate myself for being this way. I hate it..... I hate it......I HATE IT!!!!! I HATE LIFE I HATE IT!!!!! EVERYTHING IS BULLSHIT I HATE IT!!!! I FUCKING HATE IT!!! I HATE IT just as much as I hate society. I hate society because of racism, stereotypes, ignorants, I FUCKING HATE IT. I HATE HOW PEOPLE ARE IGNORANT I HATE IT SO GODDAMN MUCH. IT GETS ON MY FUCKING NERVE many go out of their way to make someone's day better but there's always A FUCKING BITCH THAT RUINS EVERYTHING SUCH AS LIFE ITSELF NO MATTER HOW FUCKED UP IT IS, IT ALWAYS GETS FUCKING WORSE UNTIL... until you meet a breaking point in which everything becomes HARDER AND HARDER until you feel WORTHLESS, HELPLESS, UNHAPPY, and BROKEN. After that many answer in me reach that breaking point in which they have NOTHING TO FIGHT FOR even if in reality they have a lot to fight for. After that they care more about others than themselves they comfort others instead of others COMFORTING THEM. BUT LIFE IS SHIT AND YOU CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT. Life is always hard and always will be hard no matter how hard you try to make life easy IT NEVER WILL HAPPEN BECAUSE LIFE'S A FUCKING BITCH. LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE BITCH ALWAYS HAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE A FUCKING BITCH. Have you ever put yourself in another person's place even if you just met them. It doesn't matter if you have known them your whole lifetime or just met that person. If that person trust you and tells you about their life you don't just go and say it okay because most of the times NOTHING IS OKAY. I WANT ALL OF YOU TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELING NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS. THAT'S WHAT I LEARNED, I also learned that it's NEVER TO BOTTLE UP YOUR FEELINGS. Why? Because it always comes out at the worst times ever. I say that from experience I know how it feels to cut I've been through that so many goddamn times, I TRY I REALLY DO TRY TO OVER COME THIS SMALL ADDICTION I do I truly do but I can't ever really do it I somehow always end up going back to it. To me cutting is an addiction that is sometimes to fucking strong to overcome, I have tried. That I can say for sure but sometimes the urge is too goddamn strong to resist that I go back to it every time that I feel like shit which I can say can be regularly but I don't do it daily. At least not anymore. I don't want any of you to pity me know the life I have the shit I have to go through. I hate it I HATE IT when people pity me because it makes me feel more WORTHLESS than I already am. I hate and if any of ever do so start to pity I will be pissed off. I hate it for real I hate it when people do that I hate it so goddamn much that it kills me internally, more than I kill myself internally. I hate this is hate making rants but this had to be let out it just had to I couldn't stop myself, and I still can't stop myself. I should probably stop here it's 1 in the morning and I have school tomorrow even though I doubt I'd be listening to any of my teachers since lately I give two fucks about my grades. I feel like the same thing is happening to me as it did for my brother and I really don't want the past to repeat itself. It's scary as to think I'm going to give my mother more pain if I let the same thing that happened to my brother happen to me. I wouldn't allow myself to give her that pain as well as the pain of death which I don't think I'd go to that EXTREME, yet. I really need to stop I can't dig my grave yet, I can't sink lower than I have already sunk.
