I Finally Did What You Wanted

Life Goes On

It's been 17 years since I laid eyes on him; and 5 years since I let him go. Life is fragile as a dream, and nothing is ever what it seems. Josh enter this, painstakingly, into his notebook. It's the sixth entry in the journal his psychologist told him to keep, it helps. Sometimes. Nothing can ever truly numb the pain of losing him. Josh still gets up every morning and expects to see him waiting in the kitchen. He's never there. Josh sighs and goes to get breakfast; he grabs his small, bland bagel and goes on the balcony. The bustling city below him has never made him feel more lonely. He grabs his coat and descends into the cold January city. Cars zoom by, people laugh, Joshua William Dun enters the cemetery. He goes to the hill that overlooks the place they first met; he find him. His breath catches like it always does when he sees the gravestone. He runs his hands over it, over the engraved words.

                                                                    Tyler Robert Joseph

                                                         December 1, 1988-April 23, 2017

Josh kisses it and lies down next to him. 'This is my life now' Josh thinks. 'I'm only 28 and already I'm alone and damaged.' He heads home finally when the sun goes down.

Josh has been repeating this routine for years. Five long years of loneliness and hopelessness and depression. Sure, his family helped, and so did Tyler's but it still happened. He was already broken before it but now he's truly done with. The band is gone, the support is gone, his best friend is gone and his love is gone. Feeling as emotionally drained as always; he slowly trudges back home, humming an unperformed song Tyler had written for the band. He goes into a coffee shop, gets coffee and is leaving when he runs into a woman. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry." he frantically tries to clean it up.

"It's fine, don't worry. It's probably my fault anyway, I'm so clumsy- wait, Josh?"

"Debby?"

"Josh! Hi! I've missed seeing you!" she stops being so enthusiastic and looks at him. "And I'm really sorry about Tyler."

"Oh, um, thanks I guess." he looks down. He hasn't talked to people, much less Debby in a long time.

"Come sit! We should talk and get to know each other more." Debby grins and gestures for them to sit down.

"I-I shouldn't. I need to get home-" he turns to go. His heart is racing, doesn't she know how bad his anxiety used to be and how much worse it's gotten.

"Josh." she hasn't forgotten; she gently grabs his hand and rubs circles on it like she used to. "Please."

"O-Okay," he sits down and awkwardly fiddles with one of Debby's pens that was on the table. They talk for a while and Josh starts to remember why he loved her so much. He's blinded by her beauty and her smartness and how easy it is to talk to her. He's thinking of asking her out when her phone rings, she answers. "Hi baby, I'm on the way home now. Don't worry. Tell Grammy to wait for a little while longer and I'll be there soon. I love you."

"Who was that?" Josh asks conversationally.

"My daughter. Hazel Jada. She's four almost five." Debby looks embarrassed.

"Oh, so are you married?" Josh's heart is falling and his stomach is in knots.

"Yes. I'm sorry Josh but maybe we could be good friends?"

Josh doesn't respond. He gets up and walks home. Tears are falling down his cheeks, thick and fast. He thought he might be in love again, but she's not. Nothing can numb that pain.