PHOBIA

I am Scarlett Hamel

I'm sitting in a Cafe, sipping my 
extra Sugar Coffee which enabled my taste buds to melt into its sweetness. You know that's the thing about coffee it effects me in a different way than it should, it makes me roar high in the sky of unconscious. The moment coffee touches my tongue, a button is switched on and I could already feel myself drifting to that world. Then the liquid migrates into esophagus and flows like a hot sweet river inside my body, I could feel it's every wave until it reaches the pit and the moment it hits my pit I'm in the world of unconscious.

After an hour or two I woke up to the sound of the tinkering bell attached to door, oh another customer! Just another new day for other people, I'm trying to focus on the weird wacky spectrum in front of me because I can't remember much, I'm suffering from Mnemophobia. I've been told to focus on that gamut of colours, it's like an exercise but I scarcely feel any different since months. The colours are winking at me while they shift and exchange greetings with each other, it's like they're in a meeting because they look tense and serious. But then the door is open yet again and the sun rays are bouncing towards my table to attend that meeting. My eyes try to adjust to the new brightness because all the colours shrugged their tense posture and embraced each other excitedly, I could see N number of patterns in that sheet. 

If I put pressure on my brain to remember something I will break down right now and right here, whatever i have is weird.it's been 9 years since I got my first panic attack, and 2 years since I forgot everything. I'm 18 years old, I study at Harvard university. I'm not the brightest student but I'm sincere.

It all begin when we used to live in Alsace it was already handover to German but still we had some liberty of French society as it was actually in France but due to Franco-Prussian War(1870-1871) we had to live here. My grandparents went through this war time and had lost a lot we were living alright until there were some laws made and I don't remember but Doctor says that my parents fought against it and... they died in an accident and I lost everything I had. I can't remember anything about my family, my doctor who also happens to be my family doctor Mr. James Madison is a really nice man.

He don't have any children and he has been my family doctor before I was born, he says so. He tells me that my parents died in front of me due to so much grief lost my mind, I can't remember anything at all and I fear having my memories as in I used to have panic attacks, I used to see my parents driving and dying. I started forgetting my whole past since then slowly, Dr. Madison says.

He still crys whenever he remembers my parents, I was just 12 year old when I had my first panic attack and when I was 16 I forgot all and since then I suffer from Mnemophobia, a phobia where I get panic attacks when I remember or try to remember my memories rather good or bad. We don't have any photos or any videos about my childhood or anything, I missed out on everything about my childhood

So, I keep this as my little secret. Not that I don't tell about my Phobia but I don't tell that I really hate it. What I say to people is that I'm glad that I don't have memories because I want to live in present, many praise me and others show sympathy.

I accept both of it but that isn't what I feel, I miss memories I wanna remember when was the first time I recited a poem or which cake were brought on my birthdays or maybe what places we used to go picnics but I can't remember anything, I cry myself to sleep each night.

Then there is this Adams guy he hates me so much, he calls me names and when I enter the class he groans. I thought we were friends after all that day he offered me Nutella but.. I don't know anymore!

I am Scarlett Hamel and I am Mnemophobic.

Updated on 01.08.2017
At