If He Only Knew

It's Jai, Again

I knew I was going to have to make several changes. First of all, I had to start being nicer to Jai. I knew I couldn't go all out at first with the niceness. It would only cause Jai to think that I was messing with him. This is going to be hard to do, but I think I can do it.

The thought that I drove him to this point scares me. My twin is suicidal and in desperate need of help. Growing up, I only ever mistreated him. I regret that now. I hope it's not too late. I'll never forgive myself if it is.

I glanced over at the couch Jai was sleeping on. He looked so peaceful sleeping there. I hated knowing how much pain he was holding inside. No one should have to feel that way.

"No." His face suddenly scrunched up as he started mumbling in his sleep. I realized he was having a nightmare. I slowly stood up and leaned on the floor next to his sleeping body. I ran my hand through his hair, hoping it would calm himself down. Instead of calming him, he started to thrash around as his mumbling became louder.

"Jai." I whispered lightly. "Come on, Jai. Wake up." I gently shook his shoulder to try to wake him up from his nightmare. He woke up with a harsh gasp and threw himself at me in a hug. I was surprised that he was actually clinging to me since he basically hated me, not that I could blame him.

"Luke?" He questioned, like he only just realized where he was. I smiled lightly at him and stroked his back. I was probably over-doing the niceness, but he needed me right now.

"You were having a nightmare, so I woke you up." I explained gently. He nodded before forcing himself away from me. I could tell he didn't want to because his hands were shaking and he was still breathing heavily. "Do...do you want to talk about it?" I tried.

"Of course not. It was only a dream." He acted brave, but I could tell he just didn't want to seem weak in front of me. He was probably expecting me to punch him at any moment, to be honest.

"Ok." I replied, not wanting to push him. He wasn't used to me comforting him, so I just sat with him while he calmed down. He kept glancing at me like he was just waiting for me to say something, but I never did.

"Hey Luke," Jai said out of nowhere, "Do you think that anyone would miss me if I were to disappear?" His question would have sent chills down my spine even if I didn't know what he was planning.

"Jai look at me." I ordered. "I know I might not act like it all of the time, but I do love you. Never think otherwise."

"Ok." He replied, but I could tell he wasn't completely sure whether or not he should believe me. It was my own fault, but I was lucky he was vulnerable like this now. Any other time, I'd be harassing him. We've never exactly been this close before, except for a few very rare moments. After several minutes I heard him whisper back, "I love you too, Luke."
-
Later that night, I was passing by Jai's door when I heard talking. I cracked the door open a bit without him noticing and was surprised to find him filming one of his video diaries. I decided to listen, so I didn't have to chance stealing his laptop later.

"Hey video diary, it's Jai again. Today was not a very good day. I fell asleep and had a nightmare about.....let's just say it wasn't good. It made me wonder if it would be better to do it before December 2nd."

I frowned. That would not be good at all.

"Surprisingly, Luke woke me up. I honestly thought he hated me."

'I could never hate you, Jai.' I thought to myself.

"He actually didn't insult me for once. The whole time we were sitting together I was just waiting for him to say something to me. He never did. Then, the unexpected happened. Luke told me he loved me. I always thought he hated me, to be honest. It's always been obvious he loves Beau and Mum and Daniel, but he's always treated me like his personal punching bag."

I put my head in my hands at this. I never expected it to be this bad. I just wanted to run in Jai's room and hug him, but I knew I couldn't. I had made it to where I couldn't.

"For years I've lied to myself, and even told myself I hated him. I accidentally whispered 'I love you, too' to him, but I don't think he heard me. He would have really given it to me if he had. I don't think I could ever truly hate him, but I really really hope that this wasn't a joke. I don't think I could handle it if that was just a joke."

It's not a joke.

"Anyways, thanks for listening video diary. Bye for now, Jai."

I nudged his door shut again before he could notice it was open. I made it back to my own room and closed the door behind me. I slid down and buried my face into my knees, letting my tears flow out.

Jai couldn't even believe that I was honestly concerned about him. He thought it was some sort of sick joke, but I don't think even I'm that cruel. But, what really got to me was that he lies to himself about hating me just so he doesn't get hurt anymore than I've already hurt him. It's twisted and messed up, but it's my own fault.