If He Only Knew

The Breakdown

I decided to start keeping a better eye on Jai. As far as I know he's been cutting a lot lately and he hasn't been eating like he should. At least, that's what I've overheard him saying in his video diaries. I feel bad that I can't let him know that I know about everything, but I'm afraid he would do something irrational if he knew. Something I don't want him doing.

I walked downstairs to grab some breakfast, but I stopped short when I saw the sight in front of me. Jai was staring at a plate of untouched eggs at the kitchen table, looking more depressed than ever. He was just holding a fork above them, not moving. His eyes held a pain-filled look that broke my heart. It just made my heart break even more about what I've done to him.

"Not hungry?" I ask before I can stop myself. Jai jumped in his seat out of surprise and dropped his fork in the process. He stared up at me with wide eyes, clearly startled by the sudden question.

"Umm. Not really. No." Jai answered after a moment. Immediately after he answered, a large growl erupted from his stomach. I raised my eyes at my twin, causing him to blush in return.

"You sure about that?" I smiled, taking a seat at the table next to him. I picked up the fork and took a small bite of the eggs for myself. "They taste great. I'm sure they'll fix your appetite."

"Yeah," Jai sighed. "I just...don't really feel like eating that much today." He laid his head down on the table and stared up at me hopefully. Hopeful for what? I didn't know. Maybe he was hoping I would drop the subject, but I couldn't miss this chance. Not when he was so vulnerable that he wasn't even questioning my motives.

"Are...are you okay, Jai?" I asked. He shrugged his shoulder and shut his eyes, blocking me out completely. I had already lost him, instead of gaining the ground I needed.

"I'm fine, Luke. Or do you want it to be the opposite?" He chuckled darkly. "You found me at my lowest, so now you want to ruin me more than you already have. Sounds like you." I was surprised. Even with everything I've ever done to him, he's never openly referenced how much I've hurt him. What's more is he admitted that he was at his lowest.

"Jai, that's not it." I whispered, but I had no one to blame but myself. "I'm sorry for everything."

"No! Just stop!" Jai screamed, standing up from his seat and running out of the room. He was quickly caught by a confused Beau. He turned Jai around and it was then I saw the tears rushing down his face.

"Hey, now! What happened?" Beau asked Jai worriedly. Jai didn't answer. He just let out a loud sob and hugged Beau, burying his face in his shoulder. Beau made eye contact with me, but I could only stare at the scene in front of me. Jai was trying to get comfort from an older brother, the comfort that I didn't have the right to give him.

"Jai..." His name left my mouth, but he didn't even acknowledge me. This only seemed to worry Beau even more. Neither of us had ever seen Jai break down like this before, so to say it was a scene we weren't used to was an understatement. Then, there was the fact that Jai had stopped hugging Beau a couple years ago out of seemingly nowhere.

"Luke. Do you care to explain?" Beau asked me again. I gulped. Beau had never been aware of all the bullying I had inflicted on Jai. He knew we fought all of the time when we were younger, but he had never known the full extent of it.

He tried to pull Jai off of him, but Jai wouldn't let go of him. If anything he just held on even tighter. Honestly, it was scaring me and I actually knew what was going on. There was no doubt that Beau was absolutely terrified at what was happening. He had no idea what was going on, and he had no idea that Jai was depressed and suicidal.

"I...I don't.....I didn't...." I couldn't form the words I needed to. I brought my hands up to cover my mouth in shock. I didn't even realize Jai was this bad. Beau simply shook his head at me before leading Jai out of the room. I still don't understand how a simple conversation had to led to that. I thought that his video diaries had been bad enough, but what had just happened was far worse than any of the ones I had witnessed him record.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm really going to be able to save him. He's obviously unstable emotionally, but he won't let me give him the support he needs. It was huge, him clinging to Beau like that. He hasn't clung to him that hard in a long time.

I eventually wondered back upstairs after awhile, desperately needing to talk to my older brother. I figured Jai would have already been calmed down by then, but I was proven wrong when I still heard sniffling coming from inside Beau's room. I decided to do the only thing I've been good at doing lately and eavesdrop.

"Please, Jai. You need to calm down." Beau begged my twin brother.

"I can't calm down, Beau. I can't. I'll never be good enough and you guys are just better off without me!" Jai yelled. There was a resounding slap that echoed throughout the room followed by a long silence. It was obvious that what Jai just said had scared Beau too death. It had even made chills go down my spine.

"I don't know where this is coming from all of the sudden, but I never want to hear you say that stuff about yourself ever again!" Beau was angry and his voice held a deadly tone to it. It wasn't often that my brother got serious, but when he did...

"Beau? Can I come in?" I called, knocking on the door. I heard shuffling come from inside before Beau arrived at his door, opening it. He looked at me hesitantly and then back at what I presumed was Jai.

"I don't think that's such a good idea right now, Luke." Beau sighed. I felt my heart drop. Had Jai told him everything? I heard shuffling from inside and then the sound of footsteps coming towards us.

"It's fine, Beau. Luke and I were just leaving." Jai said in a monotone before grabbing my wrist and dragging me away. To say I was confused was an understatement.

"Jai?" I asked unsure once we reached his room. He simply glanced at me, before ruffling his own hair and dragging us into his room.

"I know this is asking a lot. Especially from you of all people. But, can you just stay in here with me for awhile? I don't care what you do in here...just please?" Jai asked me. I slowly nodded my head, confused at Jai's odd behavior.

"Let me grab my laptop. I'm behind on editing anyway." I said. Jai smiled at me, but I couldn't help but notice that it didn't reach his eyes. I hurriedly went and retrieved my laptop and when I returned I found Jai absorbed in a drawing he had started in his sketch pad. He made no move to acknowledge my presence in his room, so I made myself comfortable as my confusion skyrocketed.