During the most insecure times of a person's life, certain words can often make someone disregard everything they know and believe simply to feel - at that moment in time - as though they are at the top of the world.
When the first messages were exchanged, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. In the back of my mind, the voice that always made me assess a situation before acting was warning me, telling me to ignore his advances. But for so long, I had watched girls more beautiful than I could ever dream of being fall in love and thrive under the attention of admirers. For many years, I had asked myself if there was something wrong with me that made others only look at me as a potential friend, and nothing more. For so long, I had continued on accepting the fact that I would only ever be "cute" and not "beautiful" or "gorgeous".
So while I knew all the facts about meeting someone online, I hushed the voice and fell into the heart-pounding feeling of being called "the prettiest girl ever". It was an addictive feeling.
Unfortunately, when the first date came, the little voice that had always protected me was still silenced from the elation of being the "prettiest girl in his world". And when he told me that "it was okay", that "no one will see" and "people do this all the time", I allowed myself to be manipulated into touching him. "Don't be such a scaredy cat" - but I was. "Don't you want to be with me?" - I did, because the guy I knew was a sweetheart. "I won't touch you if that'll make you feel better. It's better this way, since I'm a virgin" - it didn't make me feel better, and you did not act like one.
By the time I had returned home, I was filled with so much regret, embarrassment and shame. I was smarter than that. I've read so many articles and watched many videos. I should have known better.
"You're the prettiest girl in the world."
And when the second date came, no matter how many times I said "no" or "I don't want to do that" or "what if someone sees?", you still pushed. "No one will see", "I won't touch you, I promise", "Don't you see what you do to me, pretty?". At least you kept your promise.
If only I had been stronger. If only I had put more strength in my words. If only I had the strength to push you away. If only I had the strength to not fall for pretty little words over social media.
I hadn't been strong enough.
But I'm strong enough now. I'm strong enough to avoid letting someone manipulate me. I'm strong enough to listen when my mind tells me "no".
I'm strong enough to turn away from the screen when a stranger calls me "beautiful".
Because I know that I am beautiful. But I am also strong.
- END: 499 WORDS.
Written for the "13 Reasons Why 'What If' Contest". Seeing this contest really gave me a jolt and I knew that no matter how hard writer's block was hitting me, I needed to write something.
And I had such a difficult time keeping this at 500 words because I had so much to say. It feels as though a weight is taken off of my shoulders after writing this.
If any of you ever experience any pressure of any kind (sexual, bullying, etc.), please stay strong. Reach out to someone. Even if you feel ashamed for giving into the pressure, there will always be someone there to talk to and to remind you to keep your chin up.
We will make mistakes and we will learn from them. That is what it means to grow up. To be human.
You may stumble and fall in your journey through life, but all you have to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue forward.
