Wow. That's Awkward

Hey..........

      Hi. I'm back and really sick. Today, though, I am going to get something off my chest that has been there for a while.
     If someone in my family finds this, I'm gonna get interrogated. No matter. I've been needing to get this out there anyway.....
      I am scared. Beyond anything I've ever been scared of before. My hands are shaking as I write this.
      I don't want to see my friends tomorrow. I've been absent twice this week due to my sickness that has gotten bad over the past few days.
      I am absolutely terrified to face them or talk to them at all. Why? Some may ask. They're your friends. Shouldn't they be happy to see you?
    With that I answer, no. My friends are caring people, don't worry too much. However, if i miss one day of school, the next day I am yelled at and attacked by them.
    Alot of people may say that they just miss me and care. That doesn't seem like the case in my part. They insult me (nothing I'm not used to), and get angry at me nomatter what I say. I could literally be in a coma, and they would still get mad at me for not coming to school.
     But if anyone else misses, it's no biggy, right? Ava even tells me that they complain about me when I'm gone. They complain about me to my face, too.
      They're nice people, don't get me wrong, but I feel as if I'm not really good with them in the sense that I am not wanted by them.
      My friends Luna and Angel are the sweetest people in the world and actually understand. I love them to the moon and back and am so grateful to have them in my life. My friend Cami has a right to get mad because she normally doesn't, and she is always there for me.
       I love all my friends to death and want to be there for them, but it's getting kind of hard for me. Honestly, I feel like I'm only used for answers, or someone to insult. I have so much proof to prove my point. Let's not go there, though.
      Ava tells me that my thoughts are false, but......actions speak louder than words. Not only actions, but all the insults. Normally, I never take them to heart. Now, my armor is dulling.
    But it's only the insults from them that are stinging now. I'm not abused at home. I have a loving family that would never hurt me. At school, though. I feel abused and that is not okay. Alot of people who I trust to tell this to, tell me to drop them. (Stop being friends). I don't want to. I really, really don't want to. I couldn't bear to leave them. I swear, if they read this, they're going to laugh at me for the previous sentence.
     Stress also adds up to mountain of problems. Sometimes it gets to the point where I start to think about things I shouldn't. I got into a deep conversation with Ava and she made me promise that I wouldn't commit suicide. Not that I want to. I have a whole life ahead of me.
     I also told her the fact that if I did, what was she gonna do. I would be dead. There is nothing you can do.
    I have always thought about having the power to so it. Not that I want to. But I could, and that thought is terrifying. I could jump in front of a car, or take my dad's gun and you know.....
    My friend, Jada gave this concept as an idea. She doesn't want me dead, she just has the same thoughts. I honestly see it as the home button exiting an app that is your life line.
     The minute that button is pushed, the trigger of the gun pointed at your head is pulled.
     It's a funny thought, huh?
    Do your friends really love  you? My friends say those empty words but don't prove it well.
     I'm sorry ...... They say when I leave. Why does it keep happening, then?
     Today my friend called me. For the first time in a long time. And by that I mean a long time. I've known her since 3rd grade and I'm in 7th. She said "hope you feel better". It did make me feel a bit better, but not too much, knowing that my ass is toast tomorrow.
      Some people tell me that when I'm not there, their table is quiet when it's normally the loudest table there. What I don't understand is that if I am there, I'm non-stop insulted and spoken over. It's not like I have say in the conversations at the table. Why would it matter if I was there or not?
     I have no clue. Tomorrow I really just want to see Angel, Luna, and Nikki. She's a girl that I consider my sister. Wish me luck tomorrow. Also, if you have answers, help me out.
     -Alex💀