What Was Hers

Sunday, May 21st

I saw Tessa last night, and I admit, my fiancé seemed rather pleased with the idea. Before I left for the restaurant, he pressed me to him, burying my face in his chest and said, "Thank you, Julia, for going the extra mile. I don't know many women who would make this kind of effort to humor the ex-wife. But I appreciate it. I appreciate you."

I gazed up at him, getting lost in his brandy-colored irises. The same golden-brown hue he's passed on to his son. "I would do anything for you," I promised him. "You and Xavier mean the world to me. So if that means I have to hang out with Tessa for a little while then I will. Besides," I added sheepishly, "I really want her to like me. I'll be helping raise her child, after all. That can't be easy for her."

"Tessa would be crazy not to like you. In another life, I could easily see the two of you being friends." Michael kissed the top of my forehead. "You're an amazing person, you know that? I'm a lucky man."

Forty-five minutes later, I found myself sipping Riesling across from Xavier's mother in a secluded booth at La Gula. It was nice — she was nice — complimenting the outfit I'd carefully put together, admiring the diamond-drop earrings Michael surprised me with on my birthday. Tessa looked as if she'd spent just as much time as I had getting ready: butterscotch-blonde hair nestled into an elegant knot at the nape of her neck, a fire-red dress hugging the perfect curves of her body. She could have easily been gracing the cover of any fashion magazine.

When she told me how beautiful I looked, I wasn't quite sure how to respond. It's unusual to receive praise like that from another woman, especially one as stunning as she is. In my experience, females aren't typically so ... supportive. Again, I wondered why she and Michael couldn't make things work. What had been the last straw? But I tried not to dwell on it. Tessa's loss is my gain. Michael's in love with me now, and that's all that matters. Nothing and no one will ever keep us apart.

Our small talk started off pleasant. Tessa spoke of the magnolias blooming in the trees outside her home, of the chickadees and cardinals that come to dine at her bird feeders. I mentioned how Michael would be leaving for a business trip on Friday, and since it was her weekend with Xavier I planned to take advantage of the silence: snuggled under a blanket on the couch with nothing more than a glass of white wine and a good book to keep me company.

It wasn't long ago when my Friday nights consisted of more than entertaining myself. To be honest, I'm not sure I've ever spent one alone. There are times when I miss that intoxicating lifestyle, but the one I'm living now has a much better fit. The predictability of it all; the security. I've never had that before.

Before long, we got down to business. The real reason we were there.

"I know I invited you here, but I have to admit, I've been a little nervous about tonight," Tessa began once our meals were delivered to the table. "Michael chose well. You're attractive, educated, and sweet. I've watched the way you treat the boys. I know you love them. You're exactly the kind of woman I would have wanted them to end up with ... if it weren't going to be me."

She caught me off guard. I swallowed the avocado I'd bitten into and took another sip of my drink.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea," she continued, "... or if it's even possible for that matter, but I'd like for us to be friends. It may be unorthodox, but I think we should give it a try. It's important that Xavier not feel caught in the middle. My son is very fond of you, I can see that. And I never want him to feel as though he has to choose between us."

I set down the long-stemmed glass, my fingers tingling from the chilled wine inside. "I'd like for us to be friends too, Tessa. And I want you to know, it's not my intention to take over. You're still Xavier's mother. I'll just be the woman who fills in while you're not there."

I'd hoped my words would bring her comfort, I could see the tears glistening in her eyes. I'm sure it's difficult for a mother to have to share her child. I imagine it's heart-wrenching.

"You'll be so much more than my stand-in," Tessa insisted. "You'll kiss Xavier when he scrapes his knees, you'll tuck him into bed at night. Sooner or later, my son may come to think of you as more than a stepparent. He may even call you Mom one day."

"No." I shook my head, the words catching in my throat. "Your son is amazing, and I admit, there may have been times when I've wished he were mine. But I know he's not. I may have even daydreamed about him calling me Mom, but I would correct him if he did. I will always respect who you are and what you mean to him. Never doubt that."

Tessa titled her head and placed a hand on my arm. "Thank you, Julia. But let's be realistic here. In many regards, you've already taken my place."

My mouth opened again in protest, but the words refused to come out. I know I've taken her place. Of course I do. Everything that once belonged to Tessa now belongs to me. Her husband, her son, her house. Even her bed. But I couldn't admit that out loud. I wouldn't.

Michael's ex folded her hands and sat up a little straighter. "There was a time when I thought things were getting better between us. I thought we'd be able to work everything out. But I guess that was just a silly dream on my part. The truth is, he doesn't love me anymore. He's in love with you. You know, we may have had our problems — issues in our marriage we couldn't fix — but Michael is still very important to me, and I would go to great lengths to see that he's happy. Him and Xavier both."

And just like that, I lost my appetite. "Are you telling me you're still in love with him?" I asked her.

Tessa paused, her gaze drifting over my shoulder before moving back. "That's not what this is about. That's not why I invited you here. This is about Xavier. Let's not get off track. It's about my son not feeling trapped in between the two women who love him."

She never answered the question, but she didn't need to. I already knew. Tessa's in love with my soon-to-be husband. And I can't really blame her. There's no way I'd willingly let Michael go. But unlike her, I won't have to. I make him happy.

"I can't tell you how many times I've Googled this topic: The Dynamics Between Stepparents. It must be a joint effort, but I know we can make it work. If you care about my family the way you say you do, then I'm sure you'll agree." A sudden shadow clouded her face. "You know, Julia ... it's funny the things we can learn online. All of the little surprises just waiting to be revealed. It's a treasure chest of knowledge."

She looked almost smug when she said that.

I'm going to be honest with you — because let's face it, that's why you're here — but ever since last night there's been a tightness inside of me, wondering if I'm missing some hidden message disguised in Tessa's words. What exactly did she mean by surprises waiting to be revealed? And what lengths would she take to ensure Michael's happiness?

When my fiancé asked how things went, I didn't know how to respond. It didn't seem right saying: "Do you know your ex-wife is still in love with you?" He would think I'm crazy. Or worse ... jealous. But I'm not that person anymore.

I decided to change the subject. "Did you get the mail today? I'm waiting for a delivery."

"Oh, yeah, you did get a package," Michael said. "It's on the table in the foyer."

Sliding my finger under the seam, I tore through the thick, brown envelope, exhaling slowly as I removed the contents from inside.

"Fetishes and BDSM," my fiancé read from behind. He wrapped his arms around my waist, the warmth of his breath caressing my ear. "More adventures you have in store for us? You're just full of surprises, aren't you?"

Surprises. That's the same word Tessa used. "This isn't mine."

Michael gave me a playful swat on the butt. "Of course it's not." He checked the lock on the front door then turned toward the bedroom. "Don't forget to turn out the lights. I'll be waiting in bed. Why don't you bring that with you? We can flip through the pages together; see if there's anything we'd like to try." He smiled slyly before disappearing down the hall.

Between my dinner with Tessa and Michael seeing that magazine, I've been on edge. I went for a jog this afternoon to try and clear my head. The burst of exercise made my heart race, and once it started I couldn't get it to slow down. It's still beating much too fast inside my chest, even now as I write this.