What Was Hers

Friday May 26th

I have the entire house to myself tonight, and I'm surprised by how much I'm enjoying it. The silence; the intimacy. Just me, a bottle of wine and the book I've been trying to start forever. As much as I adore my boys, they sure do keep me busy, waiting on them hand and foot! I love every minute of it, but it's nice to have this time to unwind and reflect. And I've discovered that journaling my feelings is a cathartic release. I'm glad to be putting you to good use.

Michael should be back by late afternoon and he promised we could go shopping for Hawaii upon his return. I still can't believe we're getting married! Our future is filled with so many wonderful possibilities, it almost feels wrong. Does that make sense? I keep waiting for some tidal wave of misfortune to crash over me and ruin it. Like all my previous sins will come to life and suffocate my plans. This feeling is new for me, this impending sense of doom. It's like that sensation of leaving the house and wondering if I forgot to turn off the stove, just knowing the place will catch fire while I'm away.

Where is it coming from? Is it guilt, like I don't deserve to be happy? That I'm supposed to be miserable like everyone else? I can't help but wonder if I should lower my expectations, that way if something bad does happen I won't be as disappointed in the end. Is that weird?

Stop it! Enough with the negativity. It's not to healthy to harbor these kinds of thoughts. I wish I could just enjoy the moment, but this past week has drudged up insecurities I find impossible to ignore. I have so many unanswered questions about the weird things that have taken place.

But do you know who was particularly positive this afternoon? Tessa, when she came by to pick up Xavier after work.

"There's my favorite boy," she said, scooping her son into her arms. "Are you ready to have some fun?"

I stood back and awkwardly grasped the straps of Xavier's weekender bag, feeling the weight of his clothes and toy trains inside. Feeling the weight of the past on my shoulders. I watched as they did their thing; Tessa nuzzling the pale skin of his neck; Xavier releasing a happy screech as he tried to wiggle away.

My mind strayed to an image of me and Michael making love; naked, drenched in perspiration. Clinging to each other as if our very lives depended on it. It seemed inappropriate to think about right then, while his ex-wife and son reunited in the foyer. I imagined that familiar look of unbridled satisfaction; the feral growl that erupts from the back of his throat as he reaches his release. I had to bite back a smile.

"I'm ready for fun," Xavier answered between giggles. "Can Julia come, too?"

"Julia?" His mother shot me a look.

I did my best to smooth over the situation; to make myself inferior to Tessa. "We were just playing Beauty and the Beast," I explained. "Xavier, I bet your mommy would make a great Belle. Way better than me."

"But Mommy has yellow hair. Belle has brown hair, like you."

"Well how about you pretend?" I suggested. "Maybe Belle went to the beauty parlor and had her hair colored? Maybe she wanted to look pretty for Beast?"

Xavier scrunched up his nose. "Belle doesn't do that! Beast loves her just the way she is."

I smiled. "That's why you have to pretend, silly. Make up a new story instead of rehashing the old."

"I can pretend," Tessa agreed, ever the optimist. She gave Xavier one more annoying chomp beneath his ear. "I can pretend, just the way Julia does. I think it's fun to play games. Don't you?" she asked, staring directly at me. Her lips curled knowingly as she waited for a response.

I refused to flinch. "Games are a lot of fun. And I bet your mommy's great at them. At least give her a chance. That's what any good prince would do."

Xavier finally relented, and before long they were on their way, leaving me all alone.

You know, Michael still doesn't believe Tessa had anything to do with the gifts. And he thinks Xavier and I imagined her driving past the house, because: why wouldn't she stop and say Hello to her son? But after today, I'm even more convinced it's his ex behind the eerie occurrences and not some man from my past. The way she brought up games, and how they're fun to play. Michael thinks Tessa's too innocent to know about such things, but I have a feeling his former wife is smarter than she lets on.

By nature, women are manipulative creatures. There's actually a theory that suggests since women are the physically weaker sex, they resort to emotional manipulation to promote their interests effectively. I get that. We use whatever we can to get what we want. I'm no stranger to these tactics myself. And now that I know what Tessa is capable of ...

I'm still having a difficult time wrapping my brain around what Michael confessed. I just don't understand how he could have kept what she did a secret. Not something that big. His ex-wife pulled a knife on him for heaven's sake — while holding their baby in her arms! If that box of toys hadn't shown up on our porch, he may have never even mentioned it. I might have secrets of my own, but this is different. With any luck, Michael will never be exposed to my past — and even if he were, my past could never physically harm him. But I have to deal with Tessa on a regular basis, and for the rest of my life! He should have told me what happened.

Tessa doesn't need to do this. She doesn't have to resort to childish games. She should just accept the fact that Michael has moved on with another woman. Did she honestly believe he would stay single forever? A man like him; so handsome, so intelligent, so damned sexy? Did she think she could just act insane and get away with it? That he'd keep her around? I feel bad for Tessa. I do. But this is ridiculous.

Alright, enough about her. I'm getting myself all worked up. I have half a bottle of wine left and the entire night ahead of me. Life's too short to dwell on one pathetic, little woman. I have this great big, beautiful house to myself and I'm not going to waste another minute thinking about Tessa. All that matters is I can see past her sugary-sweet exterior, to the person she really is inside. She may have her ex-husband fooled, but not me. Just let her try to ruin what Michael and I have together. It won't work.

I've tasted her life, andshe's not getting it back.