These Demons

Chapter Thirty-one

Arriving at Zoe's place, I find myself in a very strong state of nervousness and anxiety.
I don't want to screw anything up, I don't know what will happen and I don't know how to behave around food, and with all of these factors coming together, my palms begin to sweat again and I have trouble even lighting my cigarette in front of the tall building.

"Are you alright?" she asks and pulls out her keys after she's waited for me to finish smoking, and I quickly nod. "It's just... I haven't really been to a girl's place in quite a while," I admit half of the truth and Zoe gives me a warm smile before taking my hand. "You'll be fine. Just tell me if anything is wrong."
Her words are calming, but I can't shake off my anxiety that keeps rising as we get closer to her apartment.

The door shut behind us, I'm not sure what to do, but Zoe skillfully reacts to my uncertainty with her gentle guidance to the kitchen. Her hand in mine feels good, but the sight of food takes every bit of warmth in my chest away instantly.
It's only fruits I spot at first, but the thought of the amount of fruit sugar in there is so dreadful that I freeze in the doorframe.

Zoe looks confused, but when my eyes wander through the entire kitchen, counting the slices of bread in the box on the counter before staring at the different types of cereal on the cupboard in a horrified way and continuing by almost making me cry out of dismay when I notice all the non-sugarfree soda and an entire bag of chips, she understands what's going on.

I already feel close to running for the hills just because I can't stand being around all this stuff, but she firmly takes both of my hands and holds on to them.
"Andy, look at me." I don't want to, but her tone is determined, so I do.

"I know this is hard for you," she says softly and catches my gaze, but I look away.
"Look at me," she requests. "Don't be ashamed." But I am. "I'm being ridiculous," I admit. "I shouldn't freak out like an idiot just because..."

"Stop tearing yourself up," Zoe demands and guides me to a chair to make me sit down.
"This isn't your fault." I highly disagree with that, but don't say anything and just try to focus on stopping my trembling.
"This is the way your eating disorder controls you," Zoe explains quietly. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to believe that.
"But you can't let it. You have to eat something."
I fiercely shake my head because that thought scares me more than anything.
"Maybe I just shouldn't have come here in the first place," I mumble and try to get up, realizing this was all a bad idea.
What was I thinking? How did I think this evening would go? I was a fool. No, I am one. All of this is a big mistake and I should get away from here.

"Andy, stay," Zoe says, but I stand up regardless to head for the door when she stops me by stepping right in front of me and blocking the exit.
"It's perfectly fine to be afraid," she explains, but I continue to shake my head and drop my eyes to my feet, but she steps closer and softly lifts my chin with her finger to make me look at her. "Don't run away."
"But-"

Zoe shuts up my protests by pressing her lips on mine, and my body responds like we've always been like this.
Without thinking, I pull her as close as possible, bury my fingers in her beautiful soft hair and as I kiss her, I wish I never had to let her go again. I don't ever want to be apart from her, not even physically. I need her.

Her warmth stops my trembling, her lips make all my worries go away, her smell and taste takes me to a better place and her eyes, god, her eyes are so deep and dark that I want to get lost in them forever.
A part of me tells me to push her away, leave and never return, but I can't.
Now that I have her so close to me, my desire for her is way too strong to let her go.

My mouth against her neck kissing her delicate skin, I whisper: "Zoe, we really shouldn't..."
But I've never been more glad to be interrupted by her tilting my head again to connect our lips again. "I know," she responds quietly after she's pulled back, studying my face. Her cheeks have reddened and her hair is messy, and I catch myself wondering what she would like after a night with me. Did I really think that?

"We can take it slow if you're scared," she adds, compassion lacing her voice.
"I'm not-" But again, she shuts me up with a kiss that takes my breath away and sweeps me off of my feet, causing my stomach to flutter so much that I might never have to eat again for the rest of my life.
Her heartbeat against mine, my brain seems to shut down completely and it's impossible to think about anything else than her.
It all happens so fast and without thinking, and I suddenly find myself pushing her against one of the wooden kitchen counters, my hands slowly trailing up and down her perfect hips and thighs before one of them slips underneath her shirt.
She shudders at my cold fingers on her flat stomach and I want to pull back, realizing I'm going way too far and should stop this immediately, but surprisingly, she pulls me closer, smiles at me with her sparkling eyes and surprises me by bending forward to lightly suck on my sensitive skin just below my ear, knowing she's driving me crazy even though we've never even done this.
A light moan escapes my throat, and she breaks the kiss, making me feel lonely and lost instantly without her touch.

"What?" I ask, my voice husky.
I'm afraid she wants to stop because I don't want to, or even worse, she wants me to leave, but the look in her eyes tells me otherwise.
Her lust for me is so clearly etched on her face that it makes me question where she's been hiding it for so long. Or maybe I just didn't see it?
Was I blind for the signs? I don't know, but what I know is what both of us want now.
What she says next are words I never thought I'd ever want to hear this badly.

"Let's go to my bedroom," Zoe whispers.
Every cell in my body tells me to run, but again, I can't.
She makes it absolutely impossible. This girl is simply irresistible, her gaze so compelling that I'm afraid I'd jump off a cliff if she asked me to.

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Bruce Springsteen - Into The Fire