Me, My Heart, and My Mind

"Want."

I want to scream at you. I want you to look me in the eye, and I want to scream. I want the agony in my voice to rattle your head and shake your bones.

I want to hit you. Not with my fists, of course, but my words. I hope my words knock the breath from your lungs, like my smile once did. I hope they seep into your brain, and my words replay in your head like a record and they keep you awake at night, just like your words do to me.

I want to slip into your thoughts at random moments of the day. I hope when you are doing something as simple as checking your phone, that it makes you think of me, and you can't shake that memory out of your head for the duration of the day. I hope it hurts you so badly that you begin crying in class and have to take the pass to release it all in the stalls of the bathroom or the walls of the counseling office.

I want you to know how I feel. I want you to hear my broken sobs at three in the morning and feel the bed shake as I rock back and forth. I want you see the bags under my eyes from my lack of sleep because every time I close my eyes I see you. I want you to see how badly I shake in class. I want you to hear the rumbling of my stomach because I cannot eat. I want you to feel as incomplete as I do. I want you to explain to my parents why I'm avoiding them and skipping class to go see the councilor. I want you to explain to my friends why I'm canceling plans because I'm "too tired to go out" and why I'm so "different".

I want to cry. I want to completely breakdown, and cry out every last one of my tears that I will shed because of you. I want it to break your heart, just like you broke mine.

I want to delete all of the photos of us photos from my camera roll, the ones of us smiling in each other's arms and the ones of us laughing and the ones of us kissing. I want to delete every last picture off of Instagram and Twitter and Facebook.

I want to erase every memory I have of you. From the moment I met you, to the moment you said you were leaving. Every single one. Maybe that will help me sleep at night and help me pay attention during class.

I want to leave you. For good.

I tell myself this every day, and I know it will never be true.

See, the thing is, I don't want that. I don't want any of that. I don't want to scream at you, I don't want to hit you, and I don't want you to have to leave class because you can't stop crying. Hell, I don't want to hurt you at all. I don't want to cry, I don't want to delete every memory of you from my phone or my mind, and I don't want to leave you. I wish I would never have to leave you. But you told me that leaving me was what you wanted, and now, this is what I want in return.

"Maybe it's not what I want, but what I need."
Julia Munger

-

Hey, guys. Long time no see?

It's actually not two in the morning, and it's not one in the morning. It's actually a little after three in the afternoon my time. Yes, it's very different from when I posed the other two of my writings, but that's okay. You never know when you're going to sit down and write.

I hope you all are doing well. I'm on my road to recovery. It's been almost two months, and eventually I will get to where I once was. Baby steps.

I saw my councilor the other day, and he's really been helping me with everything. Reaching out to someone for help will always help in the end.

Forever yours,
the girl who is trying to mend her heart