Salamander Man

Thirty-one

I was blasting the album 'Crybaby' through the speakers to annoy my lovely next door neighbour and singing along to 'Teddy Bear' loudly.

"TEDDY BEAR, YOU WERE MY TEDDY BEAR, YOU WERE COMFORTING AND QUIET, HOW DID LOVE BECOME SO VIOLENT? TEDDY BEAR, YOU WERE MY TEDDY BEAR, EVERYTHING WAS SO SWEET, UNTIL YOU TRIED TO KILL ME!" I sang along with my shit voice until I hear my phone go off. I got a text from Ian. What the fuck?

big forehead friend: Sup girl

👀

👃🏻

💋

me: Ian...what the actual fuck

big forehead friend: Got your attention didn't it?

me: ...ofc it did my fucking phone got a notification

big forehead friend: Yeahhh I get all the ladies. Anyway I'm at George's, he's annoyed because we can hear your music and he wants you to shut the fuck up. Nice voice

me: Lmao that's why I'm playing it so loudly and ik its shit

big forehead friend: Yeah it's working, and your voice is nice. Take the complement I don't give them out often. Max is taking us out later

me: aw thanks, and alright see you later

big forehead friend: Auschwitz

me: ...what

big forehead friend: It's the real German goodbye

me: 😂😂

I put my phone down and got dressed, still singing loud as fuck but to 'Cake' now, that and 'Training Wheels' being my favourite songs off the album.

"And respectfully, I'M NOT A PIECE OF CAKE, FOR YOU TO JUST DISCARD, WHILE YOU WALK AWAY, WITH THE FROSTING OF MY HEART! SO I'M TAKING BACK WHAT'S MINE YOU'LL MISS A SLICE OF HEAVEN THAT I GAVE TO YOU LAST NIGHT!"

I got dressed into a plain pastel blue crop top to contrast yet match my pastel pink hair, some ripped denim shorts and my black converse. Putting my hair into two french plaits, I applied some mascara and some really well winged eyeliner. Not too thin, not not to thick, perfect angle.

I decided to make a quick video then, turning off my speakers so I dont break any rules on copyrighted music.

"Hello my little stars! Do you want to see what Ian just fucking messaged me?" I put my phone in front of the camera, waiting for it to focus. "What the actual fuck, oh yeah do you guys like what I have him saved as in my phone? Big forehead friend is pretty accurate. He told me I can sing though, and I felt honoured because he doesn't complement people often. Ah well! Yeah I've just annoyed sir Francis of the filth by blasting the album 'Crybaby' through my speakers, and he doesn't like it. I don't know why, Melanie Martinez is a queen. I also asked you guys again what you think of scene kids, because last time I was going to answer, Frank interrupted me. So some of your guys comm-" my door knocked, it wasn't Joji because he doesn't knock and Max knocks the Pokémon theme until I answer.

"I will be right back." I said to my camera, getting up from my desk and walking to the door.

"Max isn't here yet and George wants me to listen to lil yachty with him let me hide here!" Ian pleaded.

"Sure man." I replied, opening my door fully and letting him in before walking back to my desk.

"So, back to scene kids, Mollyisreal383 tweeted me 'scene kids should fucking die like they should've when 2007 was over'. Firstly, scene kids should have fucking died out, I agree, but wouldn't it be better if their kind never existed?" I laughed, and Ian walked over, starting to talk in that god-awful-yet-amazing European accent he does.

"Wote? Jake said that scane keeds should shoot themselves in the face, Holey." he read out from his own phone, grabbing a chair and sitting next to me. I just pissed myself laughing.

"joshler927 a lot of other numbers says 'scene kidz should be given a chance, we can be really nice people! xD'. Ian look they used xD I want to fucking kill myself." I looked dead in the camera when I said that, Ian just looking at his phone.

"Jane said that 'scene kids should remember it's walk down the road, not cross it' I agree." he told my audience, making me laugh again. I made a mental note to add in one of 'Frank's' green screen videos at the bottom when I edited the video later.

More tweets were read out before we both said goodbye, and I turned off my camera so we could wait for Max.