Choices & Chances

Chapter 19

Son.

One word that RJ has not heard in so long. One word that he longed to hear for years. One word that he thought he would never hear again, at least not from his father. One word that crushed his heart, in a good way.

He still had his back towards him but he knew his Dad was just standing right behind him. It felt as if his father was calling his ten year old little RJ again to run into his arms after getting picked on by his cousins; the very same reason why RJ used to draw his Dad for school projects asking about their heroes. He looked up to his father and believed every word he said, that's why when Richard couldn't forgive him for his sister's death, he found it very hard to do it himself.

There, behind his broken son, stood Richard, ready to let go of all the blame in his heart; ready to take RJ in his arms again.

RJ felt his father place his hand on his shoulder, giving it a little squeeze, and that was all it took for RJ to finally stand up and turn to his Dad.

"Dad...," RJ choked on his tears as he looked at Richard, bringing his balled fist to his mouth to hide his quivering lips. "I'm sorry," he apologized again.

Richard couldn't help his tears from falling as he saw how broken his son was. He took him in his arms and, after 3 years, RJ broke down, for the second time on the same night.

"Dad..Dad, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Dad." RJ said repeatedly as he clung to his father. "I'm sorry, Dad."

"Son..," Richard cried silently as he held RJ in his arms.

"Dad..Dad hindi ko sinasadya. Dad hindi ko talaga sinasadya. Dad I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Dad."

"I'm sorry too, son," Richard said quietly as he was also choking on his tears.

"Patawarin moko, Dad. Kung pwede ko lang ibalik yung oras, Dad, ginawa ko na so I can bring her back. Believe me, I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm so sorry."

Richard reached for his son's chin to look at him in the eyes, but he wasn't so sure if RJ could see through the well of tears in his eyes. "I know. I believe you, son. I believe you."

RJ repeatedly apologized as his Dad kept his tight hold on him. Richard sat them down in the patio  while he waited for his son to calm down.

"Dad," RJ was the first one to break the silence while they let their cries settle down.

"Anak," Richard reached for his arm and stopped RJ from saying more. "Before you say anything else, pakinggan mo muna ako."

Richard wiped his tears and swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Ako naman, anak. Ako naman ang mag-sosorry."

"Dad.."

"RJ, I was wrong. Nagka-mali ako na sayo ko binuhos yung sisi at galit sa nangyari sa kapatid mo, sa inyo. I was wrong dahil I let blame take over my heart and let it out on you. I was wrong dahil hindi ko man lang inisip yung nararamdaman mo. Anak, nagka-mali ako dahil imbes na maging ama ako at magdamayan tayo sa nangyari, nilayo ko ang loob ko sayo."

Richard looked at his hands and took a deep breath, his tears running down his cheeks.

"Mahal na mahal ko kayong magkakapatid, RJ. Mahal na mahal ko kayo ng mommy nyo. I've always imagined a happy and complete family kaya habang lumalaki kayo, I tried my hardest to be there for each one of your milestones. I wanted to be a part of as many events in your lives as possible. When we lost your sister, parang pakiramdam ko nawala lahat ng pinag-hirapan ko. Nawala yung pangarap ko; yung magkaroon ng isang buo at masayang pamilya. Mawala na sakin ang lahat, wag lang kayo; wag lang ang mommy nyo, wag lang ang mga anak ko, wag lang ang pamilya ko."

RJ bowed down as his tears kept falling from his eyes, his shoulders subtly bouncing up and down. "I'm sorry, Dad," he whispered.

"Son," Richard reached for his son's shoulder. "My mind was clouded with hurt and anger at sayo ko lahat binuhos yun. Hindi ko natanggap yung nangyari sa kapatid mo at nag-hanap ako ng masisisi. After that night, para bang unti unti ng nawawala sakin yung pamilyang pinangarap ko. I tried to reason out in my head kung bakit Nya kinuha agad ang kapatid mo, pero wala akong maisip. Nakita kita at sinisi kita. I avoided you, I only saw your mistakes, I questioned every decision you made, and as horrible as it sounds, I neglected you. I did, anak, and I'm sorry."

RJ looked up and Richard's heart ached even more. He was seeing his son's shattered self-worth. He was seeing his son's emotional and mental torture. He was seeing his son's exhausted and drained spirit. Again, Richard saw how broken RJ was through his teary eyes. He could only swallow another lump in his throat.

"Nawalan kami ng mommy nyo ng anak, nawalan kayo ng kuya mo ng kapatid, pero ikaw, anak, nawala din yung buhay sayo, at patawarin mo ako dahil alam kong malaki ang naging parte ko dun. I failed to see how badly you were hurting. I failed to see how badly you needed me. I failed to see how badly you were blaming yourself. I failed to realize that on top of the pain you're dealing with from losing your sister, you were also dealing with a lot of guilt, blame and anger towards yourself. I failed to see that and I failed to be your father, son, and I am truly very sorry for that."

RJ bowed his head once more and his shoulders shook as he cried silently. He has been longing for his father's comforting touch and comforting words for so long that his thirst for it was so great and Richard felt it. He felt his son's heavy emotional baggage as he held him in his arms and he could only regret all those years that were put to waste because of his anger.

"Anak, I'm freeing myself from all the blame and anger I kept inside of me, at sana ikaw din. Wag mo ng saktan ng saktan ang sarili mo, RJ. I came so close to losing my family dahil doon, and I'm not gonna let that happen again, son." Richard wiped his tears as he hugged RJ tighter, rubbing his back like he used to do to his little boy.

"I'm sorry, Dad. Thank you," RJ whispered.

"Mahal kita, anak. Mahal ko kayo ng mommy at mga kapatid mo."

"Mahal na mahal ko kayo, Dad."

The rest of the night went by with no more yelling and crying. In the morning, just as RJ made his way down the stairs, mother walked by.

"Anak," Rio smiled upon seeing her son. "Wag ka ng tumuloy sa office, sabi ng Daddy mo wala daw papasok sa inyong tatlo sa office today. We're gonna eat lunch as a family."

For the first time in years, their family shared a meal together again, no other reason but to simply eat as a whole family again. They were complete, even in the physical absense of Riza.

The four of them sat on the grass, circling around her and the flowers they bought.

RJ looked at his family and, with a smile on his face, he took a deep breath because he knew that his journey to healing has finally begun.