endearing ❣ spencer reid

cold

a/n: this chapter contains content that may be triggering. please avoid reading if you are triggered by mentions of self-harm and suicidal ideation. i will use these ✖ to signal the beginning and end of triggering sections. pm any time babes. stay safe

*

It's four in the morning and I'm cold.

I can't sleep. I'm staring at the ceiling. My eyes are wide open and I haven't blinked in awhile. The air conditioner is on high. The blankets are on the floor. I'm wearing footie pajamas that my mom says I'm too old for, but maybe they're the last of my innocence. Maybe they're all I have left. So I'll wear them till the pattern fades and the soft fabric grows rough. They're supposed to be a barrier against the cold.

I'm freezing.

I sit up without thinking about it. Then I stand. My movements are automatic. I start to wander around my house. It is dark and yet awash in moonlight. My feet pad lightly on the floor. I walk down the steps, startling my cat who sleeps on the landing. 

I move like a ghost. To the dining room, then the kitchen, then living room, then back through the kitchen, and the hallway that takes me past the powder room and the pantry and through the family room. I reach the landing and my cat is glaring.

I tip-toe up the steps. I naturally gravitate towards the bathroom. I step into the hall bath and switch on the light. My eyes fall to the clock. 4:37am. I have school in less than three hours. My brain begins to work again. There's no use in attempting to sleep now. I decide to get ready for school early.

My pajamas drop to the tile floor and I crank the water to the hottest setting. It feels like fire on my pale skin. I scrub every inch of my body, but the true filth is under my skin. I scrub until my skin burns. I'm not satisfied, but I step out of the shower anyway. I don't bother washing my hair. I don't care about it anymore.

Water drips from my pale body. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I see everything. I see the way my shoulders hunch and my spine curves. I see every flaw, every error. The bags around my eyes. Acne scars. Real scars dotting my arms like stars except they don't form constellations. They form stories. A story. My story.

✖

I blink and suddenly my fist hurts. I furrow my brow. Blood leaks from my clenched hands. My eyes widen. I had punched the mirror. The glass is shattered now. My reflection is fractured. My hands uncurl. Bits of glass puncture my skin. My body, bare and cold, shudders involuntarily.

"I hate you," I whisper. My eyes narrow. "I hate you! I hate you!" My fists hit the mirror again and again. Blood is splattering onto the floor. I collapse. My hands snake into my hair. I tug my roots. I want to die. I want to die.

I look up and my broken reflection. "You disgust me. I'm going to destroy you. I'm going to leave you begging for mercy. I'm going to slaughter you."

✖

I slump back into bed. I stare at the ceiling. Blood stains my sheets. There is nothing to protect me from the whirring air conditioner. The cool wind hits my naked skin. Goosebumps rise along my arms and legs, turning me into a dimpled disaster. My eyes are wide, unblinking.

I'm freezing.

*

a/n: sorry for the late update

also whoever can guess what this chapter is gets a special prize ;)

thanks for reading. love you all, stay cranky, byeeee!!!!