Moonstruck // Harry Styles

chapter-22

Dearest Niall,

I am angry with you. God, I am beyond angry with you for leaving us when we needed you the most. Because that is what family members do – keep each other’s back. So I am angry at you. But to be honest, when you left, it gave me something to think about as well. The basic questions when someone you love leaves you: Was I not enough? Did I not understand him? How did he feel when he left me? Hopeless? Sorry? Happy? Free? What could I have done to make him stay?

The last one kept me thinking. I thought about that, and you, and everything else. And at last, after a month when we all realized that you were gone and not coming back, I got my answer. I could’ve done a lot of things to make you stay. And I didn’t do any of them.

You were always different, Niall. And I know this may sound a very old, battered, and  traditional line to say to your brother (in-law?), but you were very, very special. Believe me. I should’ve tried more to make mum and Theo listen to you. And because I hadn’t done my part, how could I be so selfish and hope that you would even understand yours?

I think, Niall, that we’re allowed to make mistakes sometimes. No matter how much people expect from us, how complete we think we are. I believe sometimes you should be able to jump in the water and think, “Oh, shoot, it’s deep, it is way deeper than I imagined it would be.” We are human, right? We are allowed to make mistakes. You did wrong, but I don’t blame you anymore. You sent us letters at last, didn’t you? You admitted your fault. And now I only miss you.

So come and see us as soon as you can now. I swear little Theo is so much like you. Mum is still a little cross, but I believe she wants to see you just as us. No matter what happens, we’re your family. We’ll always be yours.

Love,

Addie.

“She’s right, you know?” Niall said one day at kitchen while we were kneading dough.

“What?” I asked.

He blinked. “What, what? Weren’t you listening?”

I shrugged.

He sighed, rolling his eyes – annoyed as well as exasperated. “Addie. I was talking about Addie.”

“Oh,” I said disinterestedly.

“She’s right, though,” Niall kept on talking... as if he had to talk more than he normally would to make up for the fact that I was not. “You have the rights to make mistakes, and you should have someone who’d accept you anyhow… your safe haven. What do you say, Harry?”

I didn’t answer. He kept on talking anyway.

“Jane shouldn’t lock herself up. For God’s sake, she’s seventeen. She shouldn’t think everything that goes wrong is her fault. She cannot punish herself for it. She should not. It’s been ten days.”

I stopped kneading and turned at him. “Her sister’s dead, Niall.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?”

“If you do, you’re not certainly acting like that, are you?”

“She’s been locked in that tiny room for ten days, Harry,” he said firmly, as if I had not known that. “She’s not talking to anyone. How could she heal if she doesn’t let the wound… set?”

“Priceless,” I said sarcastically. “I’ve to hear you make poetry now.”

He rolled his eyes, angry. “Don’t be obnoxious. How could she be well if she doesn’t come out in the world?”