Wonder | благоговение | Viktor Nikiforov

| eighteen |

"[Name] holding this in won't do you any good, you know that, right?"

The tears had stopped, thankfully and Hiroko sat you down on her bed so she could also sit down beside you. Her eyes were genuine and concerned, she didn't smile nor frown but you felt it wasn't necessary to make her worry. She didn't have to think about an adult such as yourself, wondering how you were going. You didn't want to have negative experiences with the woman you considered your mother. Hiroko had been there for you in those short months before you left for Russia, especially when you were too shy to be in the same room as her.

She was still there for you after coming back to Japan. She didn't say anything about how your personality had changed or about how there wasn't any sign of your mother but she still invited you into her home any time you didn't want to be near your father.

Your father had scared you deeply. It was a switch that flipped instantly when you tried to comfort him. His wife; Masaru, had stayed behind in Russia after finding another man. They were together when the [Lastname] family was not, Masaru just wasn't satisfied and wanted more. She loved her family- she always thought she did and it was true to her but she couldn't express it without feeling these negative emotions either. She wanted a golden life so that when it was her time to leave, there would be no regrets and nothing she would want to do again. She wanted an extravagant life but her own childhood wasn't as bright.

Her family didn't have money so she vowed to have a family of her own with wealth and love. [Name] and Ryoto were the people to receive that love, she wanted to give all her love to them and [Name] was happy. Ryoto absolutely loved his wife with his whole being. He treated her like a queen and in turn, [Name] aspired to be like them one day. [Name] wanted to be like her parents who were deeply in love.

[Name] thought her parents were like no one else in the whole world. They were one of a kind, the diamonds in a bunch of rocks; for years and years, the little figure skater had placed them on a high pedestal and only listened to them with nothing to learn from anybody else. [Name] was ecstatic when they were her coaches when she skated in competitions during her Junior years.

"I know Hiroko-san. I know that but my nonsense wouldn't do anyone any good - there's no point."

"What are you calling nonsense? Your feelings? Your thoughts? Why are you belittling yourself like that."

Without Masaru and Ryoto, [Name]'s thoughts, emotions and actions began to mean little with each day that passed. First it was Masaru; [Name]'s beloved mother who chose to leave, chose another man and chose to have another family over them, "I guess.. I mean m-me as a person, I'm not worth anything apart from my skating abilities. My presence doesn't affect anyone.. I'm sorry I- I shouldn't be talking about thi-"

"Why not? Talk to me [Name]-chan. I want to know, I want to know you. And do you know what else?"

Those words struck something within you. Maybe it was the slightly desperate tone in her voice or perhaps the way she worded her sentence. Your jaw wouldn't move and you didn't want to hear what came next but your head was moving, nodding, before you could get up and leave. The panic set in your stomach causing your legs to become useless. It wasn't your fault that you felt this way, you knew that but that's also just how it was.

Ryoto found you to become a bother in the home, your old home in Japan, your childhood home. The home that was filled with bright mornings when the table was full, littered with three plates of rice and miso soup with dumplings and juice too. Sometimes your mother would surprise your father and yourself by creating something western like pancakes - it was always so fun when Ryoto used to carry you on his back or his shoulders with a laugh spilling from his mouth at the sound of yours.

Ryoto would eat a bunch, enough for all of you and you would converse with them in a tired manner that made your mother smile. Masaru would eat her food delicately and clean up after all was eaten when you ran back to your room to get changed, getting ready for practice at the Ice Castle.

"Yuuri and Viktor really want to know too. But you're pushing them away, they feel as if they've done something wrong- especially Yuuri, you know him."

She smiled, you couldn't understand why or how she could smile like that in this situation, she was a strong woman. You really loved her. It was something like guilt that came across yourself but you didn't want to feel it and have it decompose within you, burning into your blood stream screaming to become known as clear as a crystal.

You hated this because she had to be lying, Hiroko had to be lying but you absolutely despised yourself for even thinking that because you adored her. She couldn't be right, Viktor and Yuuri couldn't be worrying about you because they had each other. Anyone could see how perfect they were for each other.

It was unfortunate but it was happening, you were getting left behind again just as your mother had left both your father and yourself for something better. Just like your father had abandoned you to find solace at the bottom of a bottle and Yuuri was leaving you for something greater, for a diamond among the rocks.

Viktor was amazing, he really was. He was really kind and selfless though when he got comfortable he could get really silly and a little selfish. He isolated himself to practice for months on end to create an outstanding performance. He was opening up to Yuuri as Yuuri was also doing the same. He was a fun man and he had a dog too, an adorable one. Viktor took time and practice to fully grasp the emotions and messages needed to be conveyed through his performance to be shown all over the world.

It was almost like yourself but he wasn't as broken as you. Sure, the loneliness and pressures of skating was something experienced by both of you but you were taught a different love compared to him. He loved his fans and they loved him but you weren't particularly fond of the fame, only doing this for Yuuri. You didn't know how else to convey your deepest emotions to the boy you were extremely fond of.

"I- No, that's not right Hiroko-san, I can't be pushing them away when they are drifting away from me. You think I wanted this? I have no power over Yuuri- I can't say anything to make him stay with me. I just want him.."

She nodded, looking as if she understood what you said but you weren't entirely sure, "They haven't done anything wrong? Yuuri is scared, you know? He wants to be with you just like you want to be with him."

Feeling your heart stop, Hiroko smiled more widely when she saw your eyes go wider than before when they were half-lidded, tired and dark, "W-what..?"

She nodded, a tiny laugh coming from her mouth when her words mixed into it, it was a heavenly sound, "Yes yes, Yuuri really adores you, you know?" She couldn't be right, Yuuri couldn't like you as you liked him- it had to be different but your speeding heart couldn't let you think properly. She saw your cheeks going red up to the tips of your ears and she thought you looked cute, really cute, "H-He's my friend but I can't help him and stand next to him the way he wants me to anymore, he has Vi-"

"He has Viktor. [Name]-san can't you see? Viktor wants you to stand with him as well. Both of them adore you as their friends but you have to figure out what you want to do about everything."

Everything? She means Yuuri and Viktor, right? Not your blood-related family, you didn't want to but you also had to do or say something about that. Masaru was trouble, she was intimidating and beyond your control. Alexei and Kanako had nothing to do with this but they were brought into it without a choice. A boy that you guessed was seventeen and a girl only something like six years old, maybe seven. They were apart of Masaru's new family that she brought into the world, years after doing the same to you. Masaru wanted to be better but she didn't know how, she thought she was doing good for her kids but in reality, it was just toxic.