x.Purity.x UNDER REVISION

The Negative One

2001

I'm on the road with Slipknot and we're touring for the album Iowa that released a few months ago. It's been a very hard period of time this past year. Everyone had to go to their darkest places to write for this album. They even included a song that I wrote entirely by myself. Well, I can thank Corey for the inspiration. They had actually just started writing Iowa a week before I found him cheating on me.

Sid's grandfather also died that week. One day, Sid and I decided just to go into the studio and let everything out. All of those screams and cries, are what ended up being (515), the opening track to Iowa. The song I wrote entirely is called The Shape.

Jim was the first person I let read it. When he read it, he broke into tears - and I've never seen Jim cry. He grabbed me into his embrace and kept me like that for a long time.

He proposed the idea that I present it to the band, and ask for it to be included in Iowa. I refused - I didn't want Corey to know how hurt I was. Jim argued that Corey already knows, and is beating himself up for what he did extremely bad. Eventually, Jim won. But I told him that I would have to be either drunk, stoned or both to do it.

I ended up high as hell on some weed that Sid smoked with me - if anyone ever had good weed, it was that crazy guy. We laughed and sang stupid shit together for the better part of an hour before we were interrupted by Joey, who gave me quite a bit of Jager and then I was off.

The whole band was sitting on the couch and love seat that were in Shawn's house. I couldn't read the paper in front of me. Even after everything, I froze when I was on the spot.

Sid noticed and beckoned me over to him. I went to sit beside him but instead he sat me on his lap earning a grunt and an eye roll from Corey. Sid didn't react, he just wrapped his arms tightly around me. This was Jim's turn to protest. "Dude you're gonna fucking squeeze her so hard she'll puke up that Jager." Sighing I stood back up after giving Sid's hand a squeeze.

I walked back to the middle of the room and sat in the floor, angry as hell. Now, I had the courage to read the paper for them. I ended up not reading it, but crying and half-screaming the whole thing.

Too tragic to stay with you. Too static to try for you. These scars, they swallow hard. The part of the past that's hollow and dark. Too horrid to kill for you. Too sordid to die with you. Unstable as always - come down. Everything else is just dust and sound. Separate - I've lost my only way. See the shape. Broken and thrown away. I'd give it all away. Come take it all away. You can't resent the fear - somebody tell me how I got here. I'd give it all to you.. Come take it. It's all for you. The noise is so damn loud but everything else is just dust and sound.

I had to take a moment, I couldn't talk anymore from choking up so hard. No one moved or said anything although I could hear a few of them let out their breaths. Shakily I put the paper down and shifted slightly. I looked back to Corey - he was staring at intently. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. Louder, and in a different voice than my own, I finished the lyrics.

I don't wanna do this anymore. Everything's SHIT. Everything's been taken. Forsaken. Gotta start it over cause I'm hearing it backwards - don't make sense - DON'T feel better. Who's better? It's not that simple. You gotta figure it out before you make things difficult. It's not a word. It's a problem. The problem was easy. Draw your conclusions - solutions? Anybody else wanna run? Contorting, distorting, I am undone. One less propaganda nightmare fixture. Are you getting the picture?

I opened my eyes and slowly looked around at everyone. Shawn's sadistic ass was smiling at me and the others' faces held expressions of guilt, concern, sympathy and sadness. After a few moments Mick motioned for me to stand up and as I did he wrapped me in a large hug. I was then taken into Paul's arms and he smoothed my hair as he tried to calm me down.