As I Lay Dying

Twenty five

1917

I follow Jimmy slowly down the corridor. It takes us a while but eventually the weak autumn sunlight alights on our faces. There's a slight chill in the air and Jim pulls off his heavy coat to wrap around my shoulders before guiding me to a bench.

"I don't reckon you'll be called back with that leg of yours. You wouldn't be much use in battle." Jimmy frowns down at me.

"That's what I thought." I pause to catch my breath. "But there's a shortage of men. Remember that poor lad down the ward who screamed at every loud noise?" I wait for Jimmy to nod. "He was send back yesterday. My assessment is next week."

"Really? Mine is too."

"Maybe we will be sent back together."

"Yeah maybe." He pauses heavily. "Ellen reckons I should do a runner, go back north and hide. But I couldn't do that."

"Why?" I glance towards him. He sighs and raises his hand to ruffle his fair hair.

"Because I'd feel like a coward." He says slowly, as if he's thinking about something. "Thing is... Thing is, I don't think Luke was a coward for deserting. But it's different with me."

"How?" He struggles to articulate his thoughts and I turn back to gaze at the trees in front of us, watching as a group of swallows fly in unison, swirling and dancing as though in some well-practiced formation.

"Well... If I deserted, it would be because I was scared. Luke was never scared. Not ever. He didn't care. Luke left because... Because he wanted to chase something, but if I left, it would be because I was running away from something. It's a different thing. There's no shame in chasing freedom because it's part of who you are, because not being free almost kills you... But there's a shame in running was because you're scared."

"There's no shame in fear of what we've suffered Jimmy-"

"I know. But Luke would never have left because of fear. Hell, I don't want to go back... But, how could I look you in the eye if I ran out of cowardice? Luke is fearless. It's all his choice. That's the difference, Harry."

I nod slowly, vaguely understanding his jumbled point. A little fat robin lands on the wall near us and I watch as it tilts it's head, blinks at me then hops closer, perhaps cheekily hoping for some crumbs.

"I can't desert. I couldn't live with myself." He says decisively. "I don't blame Luke, I know he wasn't a coward. But I would be if I left."

"At least we won't be under Darlington." I say eventually.

"Yeah... Any news on him?"

"No. Gillespie left last night and he hadn't received any letters."

"I hope he dies." Jimmy grimaces. The venom is so out of character for him that I turn to look at him and he gives me a wry grin. "Don't tell me you don't feel the same. And I hope it bloody hurts him along the way."

"I'm more bothered about Luke getting away." I sigh.

"Yeah... That worries me too."

There's a long pause as we both allow our minds to travel down various paths. I meant what I said, I'm less concerned with Darlington than I am with Luke. I'm almost angry with Luke. Why couldn't the bloody idiot just leave? Why did he have to do that?

"Ellen's coming later. We're taking you out for dinner." Jimmy announces.

"What?" My heart lifts at the thought of leaving the hospital.

"Yeah, we've cleared it with the matron, you're allowed out. Not that there's many places to eat mind, so don't be expecting a posh meal."

"And the occasion for such a treat...?" I feel a genuine warmth spreading through me at what I'm sure he's about to tell me.