DYW2KMS: Jessi Casket (Book 1)~ Needs Rewriting!

10.Wait What?!

I woke up to an unfamiliar silence and more than a bit confused, till I remembered I had packed my alarm up along with everything else last night. To say I was nervous about joining PIE was an understatement. I've been dreaming of being apart of all of this but never actually thought it would happen. I just sat on my bed enjoying the silence I never truly had.

"What do you mean you don't remember anything?" The sound of Toast yelling shocked me out of bed. The silence retreating back to where ever it came from.

"Johnny it means just that. I don't know how but it happened again." I crept up out of bed and slowly made my way to where they were fighting. When I got there Toast was pacing back and forth and Ghost was trying to get him to stop.

"I don't know why you're so upset. It's not like this is the first time. What exactly don't I remember?" I quietly walked behind Ghost, neither of them noticing me. Even without hearing much I still knew what happened. He had forgotten about us, about all that we had done. In his eyes, I was still just toast's goofy little sister. He forgot he ever cared.

"This is gonna kill Jessica." Toast whispered, worry evident to whoever heard.

"Why would this hurt Jess?" I couldn't see Ghost's face but I knew he was scared. It wasn't hard, him losing his memory doesn't erase our connection. However, I won't let him access it. I refuse. I love him, but with who and what we are we'd only end up hurt or worse. I already made my decision. The last few days NEVER HAPPENED! He won't miss what he doesn't even remember anyway, right?

"Why would this hurt Jess? I don't know maybe because you..." Toast eyes met mine, and in a moment his rage turned into worry, worry for me and how I would take it. Ghost whipped around, and just barely missed hitting me in the process. His fear and worry became barely readable the moment he saw it was me. however, despite him burying it deep down, the connection allowed me to still feel it. It would be the same for me except that I have had more experience and I am more mentally adept, so I can keep him out. though it's not like he even remembers it anyway or else he wouldn't be trying so hard to mask them.

"You promised you would help me with the move, maybe even show me around town. But if you don't want to I could always just do it myself." It hurt lying to him, the smile I forced burned me as if it were fire itself. I could feel toast trying to get a read on me. But I was focusing solely on making ghost FEEL that what I was saying is true. The perk of mental connection, Make people feel anything and ultimately believe anything you say.... check. When Johnny turned around, I felt by barriers break but my resolve held strong, I'm doing this for you for your future and the futures of those around you.

I love you Johnny, but it's dangerous, not only for us but those around us, to be together. I won't be the cause of turmoil between us. I know you would feel the same if given the chance. So don't be mad at me for making the decision without you. I will still be right there standing behind you every step of the way. I will still catch you when you fall, and help you and Jimmy fight back the demons. But I will do it as a friend and nothing more, I am sorry but this is the only way I know how to protect you from us. I know how this ends, you'll find someone new without any memory of us burdening you, and I'll be here helping you along the way. And I'm fine with that because at least I know that when the future comes you'll get the job done. Even if I'm not there when it happens. I know this because I know you. I love you and I always will even if you never know or remember.

"Jessica..." I turn around to leave and walked right into Toast, his eyes glittering with tears that I felt ashamed of. Don't feel sorry for me, I don't deserve it. Feel sorry for yourself for having a sister that's lost any and all innocence left within her. Feel sorry for the lives that were taken by me. The lives of whom I still don't feel any guilt for. Feel sorry for the lives that I know will be taken in the future. Don't feel sorry for me or Johnny, feel sorry for those who remember and suffer from it.

I could see that Toast wanted to say something but I didn't want his pity. I want his rage because that's all I deserve, but I am not going to get it. And If I'm being honest, I don't really care. Right now I don't really feel much of anything. I don't feel regret or guilt. I don't feel sadness. I don't feel anger. Right now, in this moment, I just feel empty. I feel lost, broken. I feel hollow.