Trauma ➸ Audrey Jensen [1]

2 ➸ fire

two ; fire

♕

AUDREY

I watched as the fire burned everything in the pile, a long with the pureness of everyone in this town, everyone I associated with. I've been a wreck ever since we found peace, still afraid that if I turned my back for two seconds thinking we were okay, someone would die. No one else seemed to have the same problems, but the killings messed me up for good.

I started finding myself crying myself to sleep every night, afraid of losing someone else. I started smoking, drinking a lot more. I was a complete mess, and no one else is able to see it. I blew smoke from my mouth into the smoke rising from the raging fire, watching the smoke collide with each other and raise into the sky, to be gone forever.

I sat with my elbows hanging over my knees, throwing trash bags into the fire every few seconds. I had been sitting out here since I had a pretty heated argument with Gina, which I had to hold back my urge to punch a hole in the wall. Fuck, I was angry. I was always so angry after getting into arguments with her. Our relationship isn't the same anymore, not since the last time we all had to deal with a killer. It's been half a year since then, and we haven't managed to get a long the way we used to.

Every day I'm afraid she will leave me. I can't lose her, not after how it felt to lose Rachel. After the argument, Gina left the house and went home. She left me here, to ponder and wonder if I'm truly the monster she says I am. I turned cold since the killings, and I will never be the same again. I finished the cigarette in my hands, throwing it into the fire and watching it turn to ashes.

I laid back on the grass, watching the stars as the sounds of ashes popped in the background. It was soothing to be out here, but I knew I had to go in for the night at some point. All this calmness would have to end, and I'd have to face the pain of another day on this cruel earth.

The fire slowly burned out, leaving me here to dwell in the dark, as even the stars were going away for the night. I sighed, lighting one last cigarette to ease the strong amount of pain that had been casted on me tonight, because nothing else would ever ease it better. The grass was cold around me, except for the grass I laid on for what seemed like hours.

I blew smoke into the air again, watching it rise into the night sky. It was barely noticeable after a few seconds because of the darkness all around me. My eyes were closed, my mind was wandering. Wandering to happier places, wondering what it would be like if everything was the way it used to be. When this town was normal, when we didn't have killers chasing after us and making us do shit we never wanted to do.

I moved the empty bottle of vodka away from me so I could rest my unoccupied arm down on the ground, while the other one held the weightless cigarette in between my fingertips. I held the cigarette in between my lips, holding it there as I placed my other arm down on the ground as well. I felt like a monster, lying here when I should try to apologize to Gina, but part of me doesn't care if I lose her. That part of me scares me, because she's done so much to the point where there's no point in trying to continue our relationship.

In the beginning, she was my everything, but now I'm realizing that it was never meant to be. Even when she accused me of cheating, I shouldn't have forgiven her. I would never hurt someone like that. Especially her, because I loved her. I feel like I don't love her anymore. I don't love anyone anymore.