cotton balls [me]

ethnicity- journal entry #1

05•17•17

dear people who care (nobody really) ,

act normal, be a happy girl, i tell myself every morning. i use the fake smiles i've been practicing in my mirror, i try to make a lot of friends, but they always leave me. is it common?

today i was i guess you could say, made fun of, which is a form of bullying. and the thing is, i haven't been bullied for ages, and nowadays, it's coming back. but anyways, yeah sure i pretended to laugh along with them, making it sound like i was okay. even though i really wasn't. the truth is, ever since i moved to america, i've been bullied, harassed, etc. about my ethnicity/race.

and one thing lead to another, my friend joined, yelling at me, jeering names, and throwing stuff at me as well. i can't say that was what hurt me, it's the person who hurt me, he was one of my greatest friends, and now? i don't know.

i broke down in class, embarrassing, huh?

i hated the idea that all eyes were on me, and when i headed to the bathroom, no one came after me. nobody. that shows the amount of love i get from people.

sometimes i wonder why i'm here, when i could be fighting back. i'm just too afraid i might break down in front of the again.

my friend who backstabbed me hasn't talked to me ever since this incident this morning. he gave me a forced apology, a simple, "sorry." that held no emotion.

more of my friends are leaving me, i don't think i can support myself any longer if another few leave.

that's also partially the reason why i'm moving schools, to restart.

but i don't know if i can.

― kim haneul