Reluctant Heroes {Levi Ackerman}

Reluctant Heroes

It was like a nightmare.

The rain wept down from the clouds in a rush, racing with the wind. The delicate droplets hit the glass window, collecting and streaking down like tears. Hollow pattering echoed around the dark room, mingling with the crackle from the fire that burned dully in the corner. Moonlight bounced softly, reflecting off the sleek black piano that I sat at, my fingers hovering over the lonely keys.

I wanted to play. For them. But all that came out were empty notes. I couldn't hear them. It was like I was drowning, held captive at the bottom of a dark abyss with no escape. Without them I was lost. And it's pain for me.

Pain. Sometimes it doesn't seem like a word. A forgotten feeling that became something too many people forgot how to feel. Because when you've been through enough of it, you become numb. You struggle to even grasp the concept of pain. When the people around you are breaking down you just remain emotionless. I remember the day of grief, and it's strange for me.

I could see their faces, hear the voices. But they weren't there. Despite losing what I relied on I moved on, I didn't so much as glance back. At the lives that were lost, lives that were wasted on nothing. Nobody wants to die too fast.

It's funny really, how we never realize how special something we had was until it's gone. The peaceful times are what make us blind. We don't take advantage of what we have when we still have it. It's always too late. I remember the day we dreamt, of being someone people looked up to.

We quickly brushed aside the losses we experienced, so we could move forward and keep ourselves alive. No matter how much it hurt we had to be strong, but no one ever wondered. What if you couldn't? What if you couldn't move on, no matter how hard you tried. They used to tell me that you can't fly if you never try. Then they left the wall beyond the gate. Now it's real. And that's what scares me. I don't want any of it to be real.

Sometimes you don't see it coming. You couldn't imagine them leaving you, and when they do, it's unbearable. Everyone tries to believe the pain that numbs us makes us stronger, but it's just an excuse. Just stupid words to try to block out the sorrow.

I found myself turning the handle to the roof. The cold metal practically stung my skin and I could feel the cold air through the door. Over the past few months since loosing them for the second time I always found myself lost in thought and wandering around as if I'd find them again somewhere.

As soon as the door opened, cold air pelted against me. Then rain had stopped, though everything was still wet. I stepped out into the cold night, breathing in the comforting scent of the wind. As I slowly walked to the edge to sit down, I wondered what the Commander would do if he was in my position. He already does so much, and he practically throws cadets into the titans' grasp. He probably wouldn't even care.

My legs swung loosely over the top, my hair billowing in wisps around my face. It was such a burden on me. Humanity's Strongest. The stoic, brave, emotionless man that they all see and that I try so hard to be. The title was given to me when I didn't see any of this coming. I accepted it.

I'm afraid to even feel, scared that someone will call me out and I'll end up reliving my childhood. I always knew I came off as cold and distant, just an OCD asshole. Sometimes I just want to give up. When I do one thing that's seen as kind, I'm suddenly accepted. I remember when I gave that badge from Petra's jacket to that one kid, telling him it was his friend Ivan's.

He was so grateful, surprised even, at how I dealt with him. Every time after that when I saw him he would smile and wave. I'm aware of the fact that I'll be accepted even if I'm weak, if I act like everyone else. But I'm still scared. For so long I've held up this wall that only few have ever seen through.

I'm going to lose more people. That I know. It doesn't change no matter how I act. Some things are just inevitable. I could've done something different, been less selfish, and they'd still be alive. In some way I didn't deserve to have emotions. If it's my fault anyways, who am I to grieve?

I always sat in this same spot on the roof, where I used to sit between Isabel and Farlan. Those two managed to make me smile, for the first time in god knows how long. We'd sit here, looking at the stars and promising to keep each others backs. And I was the one who broke that promise.

I craned my head back and gazed up. The dark gray clouds had begun to disperse, casting a familiar light around the earth. It's been a while since I've looked at the sky like this, just remembering the people that changed me.

When I looked up, two stars started glowing brighter than the others, flickering as if they were trying to speak to me. Slowly, one by one, four others joined. They shone down so gently, calling out my name.

In that moment I had never felt so at peace. Knowing they were all looking down on me, reminding me no matter what I'm not alone.

Tears began to slip out of the corners of my eyes as I stared at the stars. Even if they were up there it wasn't enough for me. I wanted them here.

I needed them here.

Without those stupidly stubborn brats in my life, I don't know who I am. They kept me grounded, trusted me with everything they had in them. They trusted me almost as much as I trusted them.

But they shouldn't have. It got them killed.

I dropped my face into my hands, loud sobs shaking my body as I sat alone on the roof of the screwed up world itself.

It felt like a cage. Even if we could venture outside the walls we couldn't get very far. I know there's other things out there. This world is so much bigger than we all know. I wanted to discover that with them. To see things, to live outside of this death ring.

But with or without them, I'm going to find out what's out there. Because really, they'll always be by my side.

They're in the stars.

Those reluctant heroes.

They'll follow me, they'll give me their strength. Their lives were to short, so I'll live for them. For each and every person I took away I will fight for.

Once again I found myself staring at the speckled night sky. At those six stars that I'll never forget. No matter what.

I wish I was as brave as them. My life will mean something. By the time I die, I will have done something to change the course of humanity. I will have made it out of the cage we've lived in for our whole lives and made a difference. I'll be strong for them.

It was like a nightmare, and it was pain for me.

Now, I'll fly. And it will be strength for me.

For them.