13 Reasons Why // Daniel Howell

Video One

PHIL LESTER/HOWELL'S POV  

I saw people walking down the streets, acting as if everything was okay. Nothing was okay. I had dragged my boyfriend out of a bathtub full of his own blood, as he was drowning in it. The smiles they had were crimes, the happy bright colors they wore was just draining my hope. I was nearly done with this world, but Dan wouldn't like that. Dan would want me to keep fighting no matter what. I lived with my friend, Carrie. She couldn't live alone anymore after what had happened. She was nice, but even at a time like this, she was crying for weeks on end. She had locked herself in her room, and only came out to use the bathroom or eat and drink. I was the same way, but worse. I would prefer to not get into that until later. 

I was out to get some Starbucks, and I went home after ordering a drink. The girl asked me what was wrong, because it was clear I had been crying for hours and hours on end. I told her what happened without thinking and she went around the counter and gave me a hug. It didn't really effect me, but it made me about .1% happier, which that was something. She told me not to pay, and she gave me a second drink that was also free. I walked home and gave Carrie the second drink.

"Aw, thanks Phil," Carrie had managed to choke out after about five minutes. She was clearly broken and hurt, but not as bad as me. I hadn't smiled since the incident. I haven't even posted on Youtube since it happened.

I walked back into my room silently and locked the door. Back to the usual routine, sulk under the covers, holding Dan's Totoro plushie that he slept with every night. It smelled like him, and it made me cry more. I set my drink on the table, and started hiding under the covers with the plushie. I had been sleeping in Dan's room for a while now, and I never thought to look around. I was too busy crying, fuck that. 

I had been crying for two hours with Carrie knocking on the door desperately trying to get in to help me, but I wasn't answering. She found the bloody blade I had been using to cut myself on the floor, and ever since that, she got worried about me. I was her last friend. 

I decided to look in the drawers and I found a box of his stuff, a box labled "Memories." Every picture was a picture of me and him, and every gift was a gift I gave him. I cried harder at this, thinking I was all he had left after Cat had left him. Bitch.

VIDEO ONE

I went on his laptop to find a series of 13 private videos. I clicked on the playlist, it had apparently been E-mailed to 12 other people. I plugged my headphones into his laptop, and listened to Dan's voice and I actually saw him. He had tear-stained eyes. 

"H-hi, if you're watching this, I'm dead right now... I was heart-broken so many times, I cut my wrists and ended it all. If this wasn't e-mailed to you, you're not on the list, and if you're on my laptop right now... You're Ph-phil.. The one I love most."

"Why am I on the fucking list?"

"You are on the list because you are a reason I had died. You can't feel bad, I'm an emotional whore. Now, you don't have to listen to this. But I suggest you do, and don't skip videos. If you do, I swear to god... Well.. Go ahead, I'll never know anyways," he said as he cracked a smile, "or will I? No, I won't, I'll be dead by then!"

I started crying again, and Dan paused for about an entire minute.

"I want to come there and hug you, Phil. I know you're broken, and it's all my fucking fault. I didn't tell you I loved you enough, and I didn't enjoy your company enough, and now I'll never enjoy the company again. I'll never remember what it's like to feel like shit, then see you, and be happy again. I'm not even that sure why you're on here, you were the last one keeping me together. Keeping me alive... You were my favorite, my favorite person to exist. I wish I didn't have to put you through this, I wish I didn't, seriously..."