Dear Magnus

The final goodbye

Dear Magnus.

My whole life I have been taught to fight, to be the perfect soldier-the perfect weapon. I was taught that emotions only clouded my judgment, that they are a distraction for the weak minded and for a long time I believed it. I believed that if I let myself feel anything then I would lose focus of my mission and my entire world would crumble around me. I believed it for so long that after a while the idea of being happy made me feel sick to my stomach, but then you came along. You make me happy, happier than I have ever been. You know how to make me smile and laugh when the whole world feels like it's pressing down on my shoulders. You're the light to my dark-my everything. When I'm with you everything feels so much easier. I can't imagine spending the rest of my mortal life without you. Everything I am now is because of you. I'm stronger and braver with you. I love you, Magnus.

I know that what I'm about to tell you won't be easy. You'll be disgusted in me and ashamed, I know it and that's why I'm telling you all of this in a letter rather than in person because I can't bear to see you look at me and see the monster I have become. 

Ever since Max's rune ceremony, there has been this feeling that I just can't seem to shake. I've tried, I really have but no matter how hard I seem to fight it I can't stop it. My dreams are plagued with images of Jocelyn and that day. I killed her, Magnus. I was weak and pathetic and because of that I was an easy target for the demon. It's my fault she's dead and I can never atone for what I did.

When I close my eyes sometimes I see these flickers of memories, most of the time they're fuzzy and I can't make out anything but sometimes I see images or hear sounds. I can't begin to describe them to you but last night was the worst of them. All I could see was her blood on my hands and her empty eyes staring back at me and all I could feel was happy. I felt happy that she was dead, happy that I killed her. Her blood was so warm and smooth between my fingers. I remember licking her blood off my skin and liking it, liking the taste and the smell and the feel of it. There's something wrong with me, Magnus, something very wrong and I'm scared.

That night when I was standing on the edge and looking down at the street below, it felt right. For the first time in weeks, I felt calm. My thoughts weren't racing and my heart didn't feel like it was about to beat right out of my chest. I know my mind was being warped and the things I heard and saw weren't real, but that doesn't change the fact that I did it. I killed Jocelyn, not that demon. I'm a murderer and a pathetic, disgusting, waste of space. Everyone else is thinking it too, I can see it in their eyes when they look at me. They are all disgusted by my existence and they have every right to be after what I did.

The thing that scares me the most is that I'm afraid of hurting you. I wasn't strong enough to fight off one demon, so how am I meant to protect our world- to protect you if another demon decides to use me. I'm not strong enough and I never will be. You're my world, Magnus and I love you more than anything, but I can't keep pretending that this isn't tearing me apart. I know it's selfish of me to keep telling you I love you when I'm trying to explain why I won't be here by morning, but I can't help it, you are the most amazing person I have ever met.

Before I go I need you to promise me something. Promise me that you won't mourn me, you won't be sad or cry when I'm gone. I want you to move on, find someone who makes you feel special and who will love you for the rest your immortal life. Be happy, Magnus. Promise me that, promise me that you will be happy.

Goodbye Magnus. I will love you, always.

Your's forever, Alexander.