Silent

Chapter 23

It had been a couple of months since the day I had Beau drive me to the art store. After that day of therapy, I realized something. I realized that my brothers needed me whether they realized it or not.

Sonya was right to ask me how I would feel if Luke killed himself. That question really put things into perspective for me. If Luke died, I don't think I would be able to go on. It was that moment that I realized that I needed to live. If not for myself then for my brothers. That's where the art came in.

At first, Beau and Luke were left very confused. I practically immersed myself in my art and even forgot to eat on a regular basis during the first week. That practically have Luke a heart attack. My eating habits were already bad enough without that distraction. In fact, Luke took it upon himself to force me to eat.

My relationship with both of my brothers is still a little shaky at best, but it's definitely improving. Before, when I was constantly telling them I wanted to die, they could barely look at me. That was my fault, though. It must have been extremely painful to hear me say that day after day.

My art provided a distraction for those suicidal thoughts. It gave me an outlet I truly needed. The pain wasn't going to just go away, and honestly I don't think it ever will. But, art lets me tear my focus away from those things so I don't let them consume me again.

So far it was working. I could only hope that things could stay that way.

-

"Whatcha doing, Jai-Jai?" Luke asked, taking a seat on the floor next to me. I was currently using the one thing that stood out to me in the art store.

Charcoal.

It might have seemed like something simple, but to me it represented something so much more than that. Charcoal had a dark quality to it, and when it was misused it could completely devastate a drawing. However, when it was used the right way, it created something beautiful. Something that had an edge to it and practically turned the work of art into a window peering into the artist's soul.

It was a powerful tool, and I could only hope that it could effect me as well.

"Don't really know yet. When you draw, it's better not to plan something out. Your work is better if you just go with the flow and let your tools do all of the work." I answered.

"That was deep..." Luke stated, giving me a strange look.

"Yeah well...I relapsed last night. Relapsing does strange things to my brain." I replied, nervously.

"Relapses happen, Jai." Luke squeezed my shoulder in a form of comfort. "The main thing is that you went longer without doing it, and eventually you'll be able to stop altogether. I'm proud of you Jai. I know it takes a lot for you to tell me these things."

"Thanks, Luke." I shot my twin a small smile. We lapsed into a comfortable silence and I almost didn't want to break it. "Hey Luke?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you remember all of those times I told you I hated you and that I wanted to die?" I asked, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Don't worry about that, Jai. It's not s big deal." Luke's voice was tight, signaling that to him it was a huge deal. He not only saved me from two suicide attempts, but he also had to go to therapy with me. I knew that everything I said during that time hurt him deeply.

"I need to say this, Luke. Please!" I begged slightly. Luke glanced at me and slowly nodded his head.

"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for everything and that I never meant any of the horrible things I said to you."

"Jai I-" Luke started to say, but I cut him off.

"No, just listen to me! You didn't deserve any of that, Luke. So that's why I'm so thankful that you never gave up on me. You never gave up even when you should have. So thanks, Luke."

"Jai, I could never give up on you!" Luke promised, pulling me in for a hug.

"You'll never know how much that means or how much your support really saved my life."

And that was true. Luke was there for the bad times when I felt like giving up, but now, hopefully, he was going to be there for the good times where we would look back on this moment with a smile and have absolutely no regrets about out decisions from when I had zero hope.

It's safe to say that time would be here sooner than we thought.

-End-