I'm starting to resent you.
Not because I don't love you because I hate what you've become.
I hate your alter ego,
I hate that you're Jekyll one day
and Hyde the next,
I hate the monster you so poorly mask with excuses.
I hate that I sit in my room at night wondering if tonight's one of those nights where you go out to "meet a friend" or worst, sit on the back porch when you think I'm not looking and sneak a sip and a drag of a cigarette. You like to pretend I don't notice you slowly slipping from yourself and I like to pretend that too.
I tell myself it's normal and that all parents do this.
I tell myself I'm making to big a deal about this.
I tell myself there's no need to tell others you don't want to seem whiny or worst, needy.
I'm starting to resent you.
Even in the morning when I'm pretty sure you're sobered up.
Even when you look at me and smile with clear eyes, with that same face I've known my whole life.
But then I remember that monster had the same face too and that is when I start to become closed off and hostel.
I don't mean to it's just what I do.
It's like when I meet a stranger that everyone expects you know but you don't quite remember them the way everyone else does.
I still have that memory replaying in my mind like a skipping CD, of you so drunk you couldn't stand, so drunk you fell face first into the marble coffee table.
You were black and blue for weeks not just your face but your pride too.
I know it's not easy for you to know your daughter is the one who took care of you that night and so very sad you haven't a signal recollection of it.
I would never tell you this but the reason I go to bed so late is because I'm staying up making sure you go to bed first because I'm scared.
Scared of what, I do not know but I'm still worried all the same.
I would never tell you this but I hate coming home from a friends house, nervous that I might find out you had a little to much to drink or worst, my friend will.
I'm starting to resent you.
Even when I know you have not been drinking I still look for signs that you have.
Slurred speech, eyes a little foggy, unsteady gait.
Sometimes I come so close to telling someone but then how would it come across?
People are so quick to assume and I hate that because I feel I have to be someone different for every single person I meet.
I dislike to say that i understand why you do this to yourself but I do,
I do understand
I understand this life of yours has not been easy to swallow so you had to find other things that were.
Just so you know all the worlds problems will not be solved at the bottom of another bottle.
I understand I could always have it worst, you could be abusive or you could be so intoxicated you could never hold a job.
But in some ways what you do is worst. You choose to hide it from the world and put a smile on your face when you would rather do anything else but I guess like mom like daughter.
I guess that is my biggest fear of all, that I will grow up and pick up your dirty habits along the way and that's why I'm starting to resent you.
