Pinpricks

Chapter 5

   Madeline runs her fingers through her thick hair and lets out a whoosh of air. 
   "Please tell me you guys saved some for me," she says. Her hand is bleeding. Aaron glances at her but doesn't say anything. He readies a piece of foil and hands it to her, along with he straw.
   "What happened to your hand?" I ask.
   "Cut it on the fucking meat slicer in the deli," Madeline shrugs. She inhales the smoke and relaxes into the couch. I scoot over to give her room and find myself in the middle of her and Aaron. They both have their heads leaned back, Madeline staring at the ceiling, Aaron quietly dozing again.
   Madeline sits up and looks at me, her eyes glassy.
   "Did you get enough?" she asks. I nod.
   "What did you guys do today?"
   For a split second I think she knows. But she isn't looking at me with suspicion, just mere curiosity.
   "We sat on the couch. And watched TV. And we smoked some," I admit.
   "Well, good thing you didn't smoke it all. I might've had to beat your asses," she jokes.
   I laugh weakly. She holds the foil out to me, and I suppose I could take more, so I hit it. One, two, three times. I stand up and wobble, unable to find my balance.
   Aaron wakes when the couch shifts and lights a cigarette.
   "Heading out, Mick?"
   "Yeah," I say. "I think so. Before my mom gets on my ass about being gone for so long."
   He nods, and Madeline gives me a little wave as she melts even further into the couch.
   "See you tomorrow," she says, and I know she is right. I'll be back tomorrow.

   Alone in my room, I flick the television on. I scroll through channels, disinterested, then remember I still have the remnants of the baggie they traded me weeks ago for my half pack of cigarettes.
   I unlock my jewelry box and dump what's left onto my dresser. Using a blade I pulled out of a dollar store razor, I separate the cocaine into three skinny lines.
   Using a rolled up dollar bill, I snort one line quickly. It burns my nose, and I drop the blade, slicing my toe.
   "Fuck!" I scream, suddenly enraged. I pound my fist on the dresser, causing the remaining lines to scatter. Most of it falls onto the floor.
   "Fuck!" I scream again, louder. I drop to my hands and knees, trying to pick the powder out of the carpet, but it's useless.
   There is a knock on my door, and my mom calls through.
   "Are you okay? Why are you yelling?"
   "Stubbed my toe!" I call back hurriedly, hiding the razor in anticipation of my door flying open. "I'm fine!"
   I hear the footsteps retreat. I grab the miniature vacuum kept under my bed and begin sweeping up my spilled treasure, my heart pounding the whole time. I toss the baggie in the trash and run my fingers through my hair. I need to be somewhere else.
   I don't want to go back to Madeline and Aaron's, and I think I'm too fucked up to make the walk across town to Cassie's.
   Slowly I creep out of my room and toward the basement door. Mom has already settled into her bedroom for the night; I can see the glow of her reading lamp through her cracked door.
   Alone in the basement, I settle down in front of my turntable and select a record from the 70's, letting the soft music fill my ears. But before long I become restless. I pace back and forth, back and forth. Suddenly the basement seems too small, like the walls are pressing further in on me with every passing second.
   I leave the record spinning and make my way outside, gulping down the fresh air. I can't stand up straight. I keep leaning to one side, about to fall. So I lie down in the grass and stare up at the starry sky.
   My skin crawls. I can feel bugs all over me. Ants, I think, maybe. I could just as easily run laps around the house as I could fall asleep right now, right here.
   I pull my phone out of my pocket, intending to call Lucas, when I see that I have a text from Jared.
I miss you. Can I see you?
   Against my own will, my eyes fill with tears. I am so angry. I am so hurt. I want nothing more  than to see him and to hear him tell me that I'm making reckless choices and being stupid. I want him to tell me to stop before I get myself in too deep. I want him to tell me that he loves me and he'll leave Katherine and that I don't have to do this to myself anymore. I want Katherine to disappear.
   But it's all real. She got pregnant and they got married. He knows he still has me wrapped around his finger and he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants her, he wants their baby, he wants me.
   I text back, Fuck you.