The Cracks in the Universe (ACOTAR/TOG Crossover)

Chapter 14 - Mor

The Morrigan stood in the foyer of Rhys' townhouse, pacing slightly as she waited impatiently for Azriel to finish his discussion with the Queen of Terrasen. As soon as the door opened, she didn't bother acknowledging Aelin and instead strode directly towards the spymaster.

"Az, we need to talk."

The shadowsinger turned, surprised. He took in her urgent expression and nodded. "Sure."

Mor was too afraid of the wobble in her voice to say anything more, so she spun on her heel and walked out the front door. She strolled through the cobbled streets of Velaris, Azriel keeping step alongside her, neither of them uttering a sound, until she reached a quiet square on the outskirts of the city. Mor took a seat on the edge of a fountain, patting the stone alongside her to signal Azriel to sit. He stayed standing, but cocked his head in question.

"I think this is one of my favourite places in the city to go when I want to be alone. It's so peaceful. I used to come here all the time when Rhys was Under the Mountain. Just to think and observe and appreciate what we have. It was the least I could do for him." Mor bit her lip. "There's something I need to tell you." She took a deep breath, thinking through what she was about to say. "I love you..." The spymaster's eyes lit up with hope, anticipation, joy, and it broke Mor's heart. Just like she was about to break his. "...But not in the way you want me to." The light in his expression guttered and died, and he looked away. "Az, you should know about this. I need you to listen to this."

No reply.

"It's nothing you have done, none of this is in any way to do with you. There is something that I've been avoiding for a long, long time. I've been shying away from the truth, not because I'm afraid to embrace it, but because I'm worried about how it might hurt people. How it would hurt you. But it's not fair on either of us if I don't allow the world to know who I really am."

Azriel finally met her gaze and sat down alongside her.

"I'm gay. I- I realised before I was betrothed to Eris. He somehow found out, I think that was why he hated me so much, but also why he dumped me in the woods instead of killing me..." Mor swallowed, and took her friend's hand. He didn't resist. Shadows wreathed his knuckles, a rare thing in Mor's presence. "I met a woman during the War. Her name was Andromache. She was a human queen, and I fell desperately in love with her. She loved me back. We were together for a time - the first woman I was ever with - but then my legion was assigned to a new location. I didn't see her again until years after the wall was built. I tried and tried and tried to break through it myself but my power wasn't strong enough. I had to wait until someone else managed to punch a hole through it, but by then I was too late. She was married to a human male, with children and grandchildren. She was old, by human standards. I just turned around. I left and never saw her again, but I know that she was one of the best rulers in the history of the human realm. She was beautiful, and clever, and headstrong, and she helped me come to terms with my sexuality. I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about but my family's ideals are so backwards... Cauldron, I was even too scared to tell Rhys! He still doesn't know. I told Feyre, after you helped her rescue Elain... After I thought I'd never see either of you again."

"Helion—" Azriel began, but Mor cut him off.

"After Eris, I was terrified of what might happen if I came out. So I made sure that I was with males frequently enough for people to not ask questions. And also for you to know that I didn't reciprocate your feelings— It was awful of me, I know! I just couldn't bring myself to tell you. But when you showed your feelings like that, I had to - Oh, Mother help me - I had to remind you that I wasn't interested. I treated you horribly and I will regret it for the rest of my days. You did nothing to deserve it except love me unconditionally. I am so, so sorry, Az."

Mor paused to compose herself, the tightness in her throat becoming almost too much for her to continue. "I have had female lovers, but the relationships were always secret. I think that's why they've never lasted. There's a few of us who all go to Rita's... I'm surprised Cass hasn't figured it out by now, considering his appalling record at picking up women there. Although you don't seem to have too much trouble." Mor's pathetic attempt to lighten the mood earned a fleeting smile from Azriel, but sorrow still flooded his hazel eyes.

"I chose Cassian to take my virginity because I knew that your feelings for me ran too deep for us to just have a one time fling, and I didn't want to hurt you any more than I had to. But not being honest with you hurt you unnecessarily anyway. I was cruel and selfish and I should have told you centuries ago. And now seeing you with Elain, seeing her hesitant to reject her mating bond so that you and she can be together, seeing Lucien desperately trying to stay away from Vassa in case Elain does ever want him... I need to stop standing in the way of everyone's happiness. Please, I am begging you, is there any way that you can find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"Yes. Of course." He whispered.

And then Mor saw Azriel do something that she had never expected, never seen him do in all of their years of friendship: he cried. His sobs were silent; shoulders shuddering slightly, hands wringing in his lap. The sight of his anguish caused Mor's tears to overflow, and she threw her arms around him and wept. She wept for the relationship that she and the shadowsinger could never have, and wept that she was now free of the chains she had bound herself with.

She was free.

She was free.

***

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Since you guys have been so patient while I was on holiday I thought I'd treat you to two updates!

- Ellie xxx