The unexpected illness.

October - "Recovery is possible"

1st of October 2013

I feel sick. I have no energy. I hate life.  Why am I still alive? I should be dead. Someone take the pain of my heart away I can't take it anymore, I can't take the thoughts anymore and I really can't take life anymore. When did this all become so complicated, I can't even socialize anymore. I have pushed my friends and family away they all hate me, talking to me or even being around me. I really don't deserve them. I am a bitch. A selfish bitch. I should just give up now. I have decided to fast for 4 days and see if I can lose even more fat just to make me skinny and happy. Losing weight is the only thing that makes me happy. The amazing thing is you now can see my ribs, my collar bones and my hip bones this is a huge achievement. I have to continue. food makes you fat. Fasting and exercise makes you thin. That's the way to live in my opinion. Well to be honest I don't even want to live anymore. I give up. I give up completely. But hey, until I die I must continue. Let's keep soldiering on. Let's stay positive. 

8th of October 2013

When did this all happen? Last time I wrote in this diary I was sat at home in my bed planning my future now I am at an Eating disorder clinic being told I am "Anorexic and Underweight" what are these crazy people speaking about? I am not anorexic or underweight. I am fat. I am huge. They are clearly as blind as a bat. They have no clue what they're talking about. I don't believe them. I will never believe them. How did I even end up coming here? Well a few days ago I broke down, broke down completely. I couldn't cope with life, stress and myself. I text'ed my sister asking for help which brought me here. I regret even texting her to be honest. Even though my mood is very low, awfully low doesn't mean I need help. I don't deserve help. I can't even remember how to smile or laugh for real anymore. I have completely lost Deanna. And doubt she will ever be found again. Not that I want her to be. I am someone else now, some less happy and a lot more healthier. Someone more selfish, individual and secretive but in control. Well I was in control until my mum caught me purging the other day. Damn why couldn't I have just been more shy? useless. "You're attention seeking" it said. "Don't listen to them they don't know anything!" it repeats. Ah, I can't take my thoughts anymore. They're so loud. I AM NOT ANOREXIC! I AM FAT!

12th of October 

I clearly am not as well as I thought. My heart is beating 32 beats per a minute which is apparently dangerously low? then why do I feel fine? why do I feel as if I can run a marathon? why do I feel as if everyone is lying to me? I had an ECG today and the line was completely flat with a few bumps which has opened my eyes a little bit, but has left me in hospital for the weekend. I am scared, please someone take me away to the land of death. Tears are flooding my face taking every inch of my makeup with it. I am confused. When did all this happen? what's going on? why am I here? why am I being watched? all these questions are trapped into my mind. I can't sleep. I can't think. I can't live. The worse part about it is I am being admitted into an eating disorder unit. Are these crazy people even more Insane then I thought? I don't need to be admitted into a hospital. I would literally be a waste of their times. I don't need help I am perfectly fine as I am. I am not underweight I am over weight, very over weight. I am not in any bad position. I am not unwell. I honestly won't be there for long I can unsure you they will discharge me due to them finding out I am useless and don't have an eating disorder. What if it's horrible? what if it's like the places on television all white and full of machines. My heart and brain hurts. I don't understand what is happening. Hopefully I will wake up and this will all be one big nightmare. 

15th of October 

Today I have been admitted to Cotswold Spa hospital for eating disorders where my road to recovery has begun. It hit me hard today, I cried into my mothers arms as she was about to leave to go home and return to life as normal without me. It was hard to watch her drive off and not return. But this is my own fault, I ended up here. I pushed my family away and caused myself to become unwell. I lost weight and let it get out of control. I let the thoughts take over and win the battles. It's my fault. I need to change this. I need to bring the old Deanna back.