Past Present Future

.16

Glass.

Concrete.

Screaming.

Flashing Lights.

Those were the steps to my demise. The path I had taken to theoretically end my own life.

As I lie on my back, sweating profusely, hearing the sounds and visualizing the lights, I retrace those steps. Not even the blankets could ease the chills that had risen on the surface of my skin. I felt trapped, stuck in that moment, unable to pull myself back to reality.

Today wasn't going to be a good day, yesterday ended shitty and now I woke up to another nightmare. Just when I was beginning to think Woodlands wasn't so bad, my fate caught up to me.

I knew it was too good to be true. Boarding school, in the middle of no where, with people who wanted to help me change despite the fact that change was impossible for me. All of it screamed misery. Now Thomas had it in his mind that we were symbiotic twins from different backgrounds. He had a mission to help me, like Ms. Allen had helped him.

We weren't the same though. Yeah, I felt bad for him. His mom was basically brain washed by some coward that wanted her money, and his father abandoned him when he was just a kid. He got caught up in drugs and who knows what else, as well as his internal anger issues. Somehow he found a way to fix himself though, despite the past and his troubled background, he overcame. That wasn't something I could do, because the events had happened in my past were my fault. Thomas's father leaving and his mother dating a dead beat, wasn't his fault at all. Once he realized that, he changed for the better.

Finally the sweat began to dry, I stood from the bed and went to grab my breakfast box from the hallway. After eating the muffin and yogurt, I took a shower and dressed in a shirt from my old school and a pair of light blue jeans. Leaving my hair to fall down my back, I examined the length and figured I should find a way to get it cut before it started passing my ass.

When I put on mascara and eye liner, I slipped on my shoes and left the dorm room. Today I wasn't going to acknowledge anyone. I didn't have the energy that they wanted, I couldn't make them feel what they were yearning for. Pixie wanted my affection, I couldn't give that. Thomas wanted me to change, I couldn't do that. Ms. Allen wanted my story, that wasn't something I gave.

I clicked open my phone and started the Spotify app, shoving the skull candy headphones into my ears and walking out of the dorm building towards the schoolhouse. The sun was beaming it's heat rays down on each and every student. We all looked miserable, up at 7:45, walking towards a classroom full of mundanes. It was weird, watching mouths move but not being able to hear what was being said. Kind of like watching a movie with the volume down so no one in your house wakes up.

Once I pushed open the door to the schoolhouse, the cool AC breezed through my shirt. I went to my locker, grabbed my books and went towards the first class.

----

One thing I realized growing up was that I hated owing people. No matter how small the loan, I just didn't want to owe anyone... ever! Maybe it was me being over secure or oddly independent, but I would never accept anything from people that weren't family. I wasn't sure why I was thinking about this while walking towards the empty baseball field. It was lunch hour and I just wasn't in the mood to face Thomas, so instead I decided to eat a vending machine pop tart in the dugout.

My white converse moved through the orange sand on the field until they stepped into the concrete dugout. Sitting on the steel bench, I ripped open the strawberry pop tart and tore off the crust, tossing it out onto the field for the birds. I really didn't want to be mean to Thomas, especially knowing that he cared about me. Yet, it was almost impossible for me to take him seriously when he was constantly pushing me to be hopeful and to try and change. Hope was something I lost awhile back, there wasn't any left inside of me.