AMERICAN BOYFRIEND

seventeen (II)

he doesn't know where to put the corsage. this is a geo thing, he thinks, standing outside max's car, illuminated by the headlights. geo knows where corsages go. and kai wishes he were here, somehow, holding his left hand while max james held his right. max, who plays beatles song after beatles song the whole car ride. 

they dance to every song. two step on the beat, sway to everything else. the dj plays pony every hour on the hour, and they take turns bumping into couples, splitting up bodies snapped together like atoms rotating in tightly held gravity.

"i bet you twenty dollars someone will leave with an std tonight," max whispers against his ear, leaning against a doorway. pony is playing for the third time. kai can feel the bass in his cranium.

"bet you twenty-five dollars it'll be the dj's baby. the school will be in flames by sunday night," kai answers back just as fast. max shakes his head and smiles, staring at the ground.

"i like you, kai," he mutters. "a lot. and this dj is ruining my romantic moment."

kai swallows thickly. "what are you gonna do about it?"

max winks and squeezes kai's hand once, twice, before tearing away.

kai bolts out the nearest door as soon as he catches sight of him.

he calls his sister first, who doesn't pick up, who would ridicule him for going out with a white boy who played the beatles in the car. then his mother, who would come pick him up immediately, if he even breathed funny — and he didn't want that. he wanted to stay here, in this moment, for a very long time.

geo, of course, picks up on the first ring.

"gee. geovanni, man, i can't do this. he's — i can't do it, man. i just can't."

"no, no, kai, you can do this — what's the problem? what's wrong, man?"

"nothing," kai replies, exasperated with himself. "everything is perfect. that's it. i'm here with this guy, and i feel so — fake. synthetic. i'm not as smart as he thinks i am. or as funny. my music taste isn't even that good. i'm not good enough for him, gee. you and i both know that."

"no, kai, you think that. and you're wrong." geo hangs up before kai can say anything else.

... ...: ....:::

he drives a silver bmw. there is a palm frond in the shape of a crucifix tucked behind the rearview mirror. kai sits on the hood of the car for half of an hour, wracking his brain and trying to connect the scattered dots of his thoughts.

i like max which means....i like max.

max may like me but....he can't because i am....a lot of things max is not but max held my hand for the full forty six minutes of a forty five minute drive....max could be lying max could be pitying you max just wants someone to carry his hand when it gets heavy max just needs you because his leg is broken...max needs you i like max.

"a heineken for your thoughts."

max appears beside kai, his blazer coat hanging off his shoulder, his hair tossled and slicked with sweat. his eyes shiny, blinking, absorbing. pretty, blue, pure. 

"you're drunk," kai says. max shrugs.

"i'd rather be drunk than think about how you just rejected me."

kai shuts his eyes briefly. "i'm sorry, max. i just needed some air."

"no, it's fine. it's okay. i get it. we all need some air."

kai stares at the back of max's perfect head while he fishes out keys from his pocket. he unlocks the car door, but doesn't start it. kai remains still on the hood.