Pray With Me

20. SPECTRUM (During and After X-files Episode: Deadalive, Three Words.)

Scully tells me the news that I'm healed from the disease that was killing me. Somehow I knew it I'm still putting things together in my mind. Scully's safety and well-being is the only thing I'm worried about. There is a part of me that wants to believe the baby is ours and normal. She seems convinced, but I can't relax if I'm wrong Scully could die, get killed while they harvest the fetus or die of a broken heart. I have flashes of my abduction, the drilling the pain I do my best not to think of them. I have work to do.

I come back home is just like I left it but there is something different there. Everything is different. I feel like a stranger in my house. Scully is so eager to get me back to where I was. But can I? After all it happened I feel changed. I still can see the faces of the aliens impassive to my pain. And I feel like them now insensible. I wish it away but it won't happen this fast, it never does. There is also this pressing sensation that a lot more happened before I came back but I can't know what is it. My memory fails or my brain is saving me from the worst memories, I'm not sure. I mumble some congratulations about an answered prayer and as soon as the words leave my mouth I can see that I hurt her. I need to remember that she is convinced everything is okay. Is me that needs proof now. I try to apologize and she as usual is understanding. But the hurt I caused is still behind her eyes.

She practically moves in my apartment helps me with food and check I'm okay. The first night I'm there I wake up screaming.

"It's okay Mulder...you are home, you are safe." She is sitting next to me. Her hand on my forehead.

"Scully?"

"Yes. They are not here. You are home."

"Thanks"I want to ask her to lay down next to me but I can't. I'm still afraid of the truth she is carrying inside her. I hold her hand and I slip back to sleep. I wake up in the morning to find her still asleep in the chair. She seems uncomfortable. I carry her on bed carefully not to wake her up. Her belly brushes me and I feel a movement. A primal impulse pulls me towards it, wants me to care.

"There is a baby inside her." My brain screams. But I still doubt, my paranoia pushes it away. I check the computer. Try to read the news of the last months see what has changed. I read the paranormal boards and the alien abduction groups. Nothing different still the same people, the same fears no one has advanced my work in my absence. I feel discouraged I thought when I left someone else will take over. Not for this months at least. The board that posts scans of the lone gunmen newspaper shows that my friends tried to help. The first three months they put my picture, my last whereabouts and even a reward for information. I wonder how many scammers called them? They did an obituary. I can't read it. It has stamp that reads. NEVERMIND. I think is supposed to be funny. I can't tell, my emotions are dulled out, I'm only paranoia and my love and worry for Scully. They then talk about my miraculous return in the last number. They seem happy and eager to have me back to fight the good fight. I smile to myself. Someone else did missed me.

"Mulder...Are you okay?" I hear Scully say.

"Yes, I just slept enough I was trying to get acquainted with this brand new world." I say pointing at the screen. She smiles slightly,her eyes still hurting.

"I told them to wait a few days to see you. I wanted to make sure you will be up to it." She seems cautious, like she is afraid of me. I hate the distance between us. Last time we were together we were so close and so happy. I want that back.

"I think I can handle that in a few days. Will call them soon." I want her to see me as she saw me before I left with light and love. I ask her to talk to me, tell me how things had changed. My paranoia starts to over think again when she talks about her new partner. The man was assigned by Kersh right after I was abducted, he could be a plant. Trying to destroy my work from within. Scully doesn't think so. I want to believe her but I can't, not yet. I find strange so many efforts were spent locating me. I thought they will be happy to get rid of me.