golden;

twenty-seven;

the heart wants what it wants

x

From: Fergal

we need to talk. meet me at the park near my house at 5

I sat in my car, parked on the curb outside the park Fergal told me to meet him at. Re-reading the text over and over again, my heart was racing as my mind told me different things. Should I meet him? Should I drive away? Should I listen to him? Should I listen to my sisters?

I slumped back in my seat, peering out to the large park spread out next to me. It was a pretty grey day, the sky full of clouds, waiting to rain at any moment. Maybe if I sat in here long enough it would start to rain and I wouldn't have to talk to him? I contemplated that in my mind, but knew that if I did that then I wouldn't hear his side of the story. Behind every action there is a meaning, and that was the only reason I drove out today.

I got out the car and locked it, looking around to see if I could find him. I walked down the stone pathway, looking out through the trees and bushes to see if Fergal was anywhere to be found. Every face I saw I thought was him, and each time my heart stopped for a second.

I didn't quite know what I was really scared about. Maybe its because I haven't spoken to him in a while. Maybe its because I'm scared to remember that night. Maybe I'm scared for the truth; the brutally honest truth that I knew I deserved to know, but dreaded for all at the same time.

After five minutes of walking, I came across a park bench in the middle of open field. It's not as private as I want it to be, but it will have to do. It overlooked rivers and skyscrapers dotted around the city, the sound of sirens and car horns with a mixture of wind filled the air. Never would I think that I would be in this position; sitting here on this bench, with the job I have, in the city I live in with my current situation. You think of situations that happen to other people, and you think that it will never happen to you, that it was rare and there was a 1 in a 100 chance that could happen to you.

I was in that 1. I didn't think at the beginning of mine and Fergal's relationship that we would be in this situation. I didn't think that I would be awake all night just thinking and thinking about everything. I didn't think that I would look in the mirror every morning and just think "what did I do wrong?". I grew up so naïve and wild eyed that I was oblivious to everything wrong that could happen in life.

I felt someone sit down next to me. I didn't need to look to see who it was; we were the only people in the park. I continued staring into the distance, twiddling my thumbs. He didn't say anything as we sat there. To anyone who walked past they would of thought we were strangers, and that is exactly what we felt like.

"I didn't think you would come, y'know, with you and your sisters hating my guts. And I don't blame you." He paused, and sighed. "You never deserved any of this. If I could turn back time I would and change everything-"

"When did it start?" I asked bluntly. I stayed still, not wanting to look at him. I felt a pit of nerves sitting at the bottom of my stomach as time passed, waiting for his answer.

"Before Wrestlemania." Fergal eventually said.

I sighed shakily, letting tears fall down my cheeks. I knew something was going on when Mercedes text him. Nothing felt right after that.