Just a bunch of letters.

What if?

What if I knew how things would turn out; would I be content with where I see myself in five years? Would I be happy with who I was still with? Or would I be sitting at my desk wishing I had had the balls to do what I thought was best for me years ago? Selfish, I know. But can you honestly blame me for wanting what is best for myself? I have become more self aware now with the crap I am willing to put up with. The same things that a few years ago I would have never allowed myself to put up with. The same characteristics I would have dropped like a hot tamale. Why is it different now? Is it because I've realized that sometimes in order to be a better person, you must do something you do not want to? Or because I'm so attached I'm too afraid to let go of my safety net(s)?

Would I be lying on my bed wondering if only I had told Bailey how I felt; wondering if that would have even mattered to them. If it would have changed anything in my life somehow. Would have Bailey even cared about what I said? Or even about me? Would I also risk hurting someone like that just because I did not want to work on it anymore? Should I just give up any hopes I ever had of something with Bailey? I'm fairly certain I'm no more than just a friend in their eyes.

Who would be hurt the most? I'm not saying the relationship I have isn't important to me; or that the person of whom i am in a relation with, feelings are less than mine. But there comes a time when you need to lay down the law. If they are too much for me at this given time. Or if I can't be the person they need. If they are not what I needed in my life. Kind of like what if I was their Juliet, but they weren't my Romeo. What if Bailey is my saving grace, disguised as someone I never saw coming. Some random person from years ago who probably doesn't even realize I exist? Someone I wish could know how I felt. The same person who I had a dream about a few months ago. I still think about that dream to this day. Quite often if I'm going to be honest.

Why do I feel like this? Why do these thoughts keep me up at night? Why can't I just be happy with my life right now? Does it really need to change? After all, the things that I would be getting rid of are not that big of an issue. But what happens when my pebbles turn into boulders? Or what if I'm just letting my mind get the best of me; therefore ruining the most important thing in my life right now.

Last but not least, where had these feelings come? More importantly why can't I control it? They say you choose who you love, and that is true on some levels. I do love my current relationship. So why now? Especially right now, with this person. Out of anyone it could have been, it had to be with one of the best friendships I have. There's no way I could ruin something like for my own selfish desires.

*Flash forward three months*

The past few months haven't exactly been the easiest, but I finally just accepted that I need to live my life without my blinders on anymore.
These months have come and gone, and I'm still pining over Bailey. I've tried to push Bailey, not even just to the back burner, but completely off the stove. But then for some reason or another, I keep picking that pot off the floor, and back to the front burner. Where I quite honestly wish wasn't there. It would sure make life a hell of a lot simpler. No more reading into silly thing like brushing our hands while walking, or how they would come see me even though it really wasn't in their way.

I want Bailey to know how I feel. Why I wish for nothing more but their company. How everything Bailey is around, I can't help but feel happy. How could I not? Or how could anyone not see Bailey in their true colors? That striking charisma, energy to lift the whole mood of the room they just entered, and damn that smile. The way they would just sit there and listen to me talk about my problems when they could have been doing something much better with their time. Or how I know when I need someone, they will be there for me.

Bailey has quite literally, been there for me since day one. Whenever I need to rant, cry, or just chill till 3am. It doesn't matter how small my problems are, they still listen to me and actually care about what I say.

I want to let them know how I feel, but my fear of ruining the friendship is quite literally the only thing stopping me. I just wish they weren't the one who makes me this happy.

I just need to move from "what if it goes south" to "it'll be better to take the shot, and miss, than to never take the shot at all".