All This Time

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I dragged myself back to my office after the meeting with Dad.

"Except that. I can't answer that question, anak. You're going to have to talk to RJ."

His answer to my two-word question kept replaying in my head and it confused me because the way he looked betrayed his words. I've always thought my dad was bad at keeping anything from me. Yet, he and mom were able to keep this whole entire separate universe they were living in from me for years. And Violet? It was too obvious that he was dying to just spill it all out.

I wanted to get mad, to be honest. I wanted to lash out at him for keeping something so important from me. He knew I wanted to reconnect with RJ. There were lots of nights when I knew he watched me cry myself to sleep calling RJ over and over to the stuffed Panda he gave me like it would somehow reach him. But no, Dad waited til now to tell me... now that I've already moved on and forgotten what it was like to have RJ in my life.

I have to talk to Jay. He's the only one I trust to talk to me right now with no bias whatsoever.

I sat heavily on my chair and pulled my phone out of my drawer.

Nothing. No message at all. I checked my watch and saw that it was just minutes after 5.

Maybe he's still in a meeting?

I shrugged and moved my mouse to wake my screen up, thinking that maybe checking my emails will at least take my mind off of the RJ bomb that my Dad decided to diffuse in my head.

As soon as I re-logged in to my account, my messenger contact list popped up and I almost jumped off my chair when I saw Jay online.

Me: Jay!!!
Me: Thank God, you're online!
Me: So dad and I talked na.
Me: Well, it was more Dad talked na.
Me: Jaaay!
Me: Busy ka pa ba? Huy!
Me: Jay?
Me: Haaay.
Me: Hello?
Me: Naiwan mo lang bang online?
Me: Jay?
Me: San ka na?
Me: Yoohoo?
Me: Jay?

All of a sudden, his name turned gray.

Huh?

I don't know how to feel about it. Did he leave his messenger on and then turned it off after realizing he did? Couldn't he have said "hi" and then excused himself first before abruptly closing it? It felt like he shut the door to my face while I was still talking and the sting I felt radiated from my forehead to the tips of my toes, then back up and swirled over and over around my chest.

Ouch.

It felt weird, and I think it's because it was a first. He had always been the person I run to whenever there's something I needed to get off my chest. I needed to process everything dad just told me, and the only person in the world I wanted to tell was suddenly unavailable.

Where the heck is my bestfriend when I needed him?
Bestfriend? LOL You have too many bestfriends, self.
Shut up, self. I only have two: Cai and Jay.

Great! Now you're talking to yourself.

"Grrrrrrrrr!!!"

I grabbed my stapler and was about to throw it toward the door when...

♫Despacito...♫

Why I chose that 3 second one word tone as my text alert for my "personal" phone, I cannot tell you. I hesitantly grabbed it from my purse, expecting either a dinner reminder text from my mother or a "sumabay ka na sa akin umuwi" text from dad, but got this:

Hi, Ms. Nicomaine. This is Richard Faulkerson, Jr.

"Oh you have got to be kidding me!!!" I yelled at no one in particular. I was alone in my office and thanks to the soundproofing, I was sure no one heard me. But fine, okay, I actually yelled at the text notification on my phone.